Wednesday, January 25, 2006

If Jugz Wuz Brainz

What's up, African Blogosphere? This little piece of crust on Michigan's Lower Peninsula keeps getting more and more lively. This gig is a trip. We (Africans) don't stick together worth a shit compared to white folks. These white cats keep coming at me at different angles trying to lobby me to re-hire this cracka that used to work here. Eight different muthafuckas coming to my office one at a time to discuss this bastard who is supposed to be the "end all". Fuck him and them. I'm more adamant not to hire this prick.

I'm not here to talk about that. That's not what this story is about. This is about E.T. The last of those eight fuckheads left my office at around 4:40 pm. I'm trying to get out, go home and eat before I come back downtown for a community meeting at 7:00 pm. I gotta stay until 5:00 because I can't let the fucking inmates run the asylum. At 4:45 my secretary buzzes me on the intercom, "A Ms. Mammaries here to see you." Gotdamn! It's E.T. popping up at my fucking office. The nature of her work and my department's work intersect so she's often in meetings in my building, but I still didn't want her ass dropping in on me. She'd called me on Sunday trying to get me to come over. I didn't answer the phone. So now she's imposing her will on a brotha by showing up at my job, where I can't escape. "Send her in" I tell the secretary.

E.T. comes to my office as gumpy as ever, titties everywhere. My demeanor is chilly. "What can I do for you?" It's all business. She's cheezin' and fluttering eyelashes and shit. All types of body language that might work if she wasn't so friggin "goony". She's talking about this business venture she wants to pursue. I'm half listening. That broad could be saying "blip blap bloop blah" and I wouldn't know it. I'm online, looking at blogs, checking e-mail. Finally she gets up to leave and I'm walking her out. Her phone rings. Loudly. With that old ass Beyonce song "Crazy In Love" as a ringtone. In my quiet office. Nice.

She answers the phone, talking loud as fuck in the hallway near the lobby. I'm giving her the "quiet down" sign. E.T. is in her own world. She finishes the conversation (or her conversatin') and I walk her out of the lobby to the outer hallway, outside our offices. People are leaving. She wants to stand there and talk. Staff is looking at her and looking at me as they leave, trying to put two and two together ("Oh, that's who he's fucking"). I hate that shit. Never shall my public and private lives mix.

"You wanna come see me tonight?" "I got a late meeting." "You can come whenever you're done." "I gotta work out after that." "After that?" "I'll be tired. I think I'll just go home and sleep." Anything to get out of hittin'. I'm a people pleaser by nature, so it's always hard to say "no".

In a week, I might feel different, but right now I don't see myself hittin' that in my lifetime. As bad as it is here in Satan's Anus, I'll be ok without that notch on my belt. I haven't fucked Batshit since the New Year and I won't be touching E.T. ever, so I've gotten off to a pretty good start.

Moderately yours,


Blah Blah Blah said...

Looks like your New Year's resolve...has been not get got!

ummma, she showed up unexpected?!.....automatic dis-qualification. Dis being the key word...LOL

Sup Zed!

nikki said...

maybe the titties are sucking out all of her brain juice. then again, if that's the case, i'm one stupid heffa.

good job on keeping the dick on lock. not every piece is worth it.

Knockout Zed said...

I'm trying to get 'got', just not by the masses.

I think your titties might actually BE brains. That's why you're as smart as you are!

Insaneblackwoman said...

Okay, Zed, you can't fool me with that one. If you're a "people pleaser by nature", them I'm the fucking Queen of Sheba, England, and erry god damn thang else! Because the Zed I (think) I know is just as mean and crabby as I don't know what! I can't believe E.T. came all that way to your office, just to ask you out. Hell, she could've sent that shit in an email. Boy, I tell ya; thangs people do for attention. Tell her to send you some Indian smoke signals from now on. That way you can ignore her ass from afar and won't have to ignore her to her face. LOL. But cheer up, Papa Munkee; at least you got some prospects these days - however repulsive they may seem to you. Me? I can't even pay a mofo to holla at me these days. I must doing something wrong. I need a diagnosis; where am I going errant? LOL.

Supa said...

lmao @ "blip blap bloop blah"

nikki said...

zed - so what you're telling me is that i've been licking my brain...

Knockout Zed said...

With brains like those, who wouldn't?

TRUTHZ said...

lol... i knew it would be a matter of time before your head got you in trouble... So E.T. dropping over unannounced...r u sure you not sending her mixed signals?

Knockout Zed said...

I don't know, mama. I have not initiated contact with her since maybe October. But when she contacts me, I'm kinda ambivalent and I'll hang out. So that can be construed as a mixed signal I suppose. I'm a totally different cat when I'm after a woman.


Chubby Chocolate said...


Missed you much man.

You're actually abstaining from batshit? Kudos to you mate!

Like Nikki said, just keep the dick on lock.

Anyone who walks in an office without putting their phone on vibrate WHEN they have a song as a ringtone (especially a Beyonce tune) is someone you keep your dick (and tongue!)far away from.