Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My Screenwriting Career

Hey folks, what gives? I'm back, spouting more bullshit than ever. All of my friends know about the massive writers block I've been carrying around for more than 5 years now. A book I was halfway finished with in 2000 is still that way in 2006. In 2004, I started feeling it a little bit, writing again, then my car got broken into the first time. My briefcase with the new chapters, gone. I have 4 other books in my head that I'd like to write, but I won't start them until I finish the first one. In addition to those ideas I had some scripts that I wanted to write for movies. Here are some of the ideas for movies Hollywood will never make:

House African*: Millenium Cop - Following the life of a Black, 15 year police force veteran. Quincy is a devoted family man who never misses a Sunday at church. He's highly regarded on the job and has loads of commendations. One day while checking out a robbery he's shot and killed. In the afterlife, Quincy is shown snippets of the important moments in his life. He's informed that he won't be allowed into heaven nor will he be sent to hell, but he'll spend the rest of his afterlife to ponder why he wasted his time on earth protecting rich peoples shit.

Don't Mention It - A ritual performed by wiccans at an colonial burial ground in Richmond, Virginia has some unexpected results. A slaveowner, Thomas Goode, is brought back to life and wanders into the projects in Richmond. He sees the "free" ancestors of people he held in bondage and/or procreated with. They are rampantly using drugs and spending money in an extravangant manner, pursuing life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. He's sure they'd like to thank him and his kind for rescuing them from the jungles of Africa to enjoy the American Dream. His response would be simple, "Don't mention it!"

Billy Boy - William Chesowith, Jr. an outstanding White high school athlete with a promising future is recruited by The University of Alabama to play quarterback. He's a can't miss prospect for the NFL. His father, William Sr., a textile executive, thinks at the very least his son could follow him into his business. Billy Boy encounters competition at Alabama in the form of Taveandre Jackson-Jenkins, the runningest, throwingest African ever born. Needless to say, Taveandre becomes the starting quarterback, leading Alabama to an undefeated season and a National Championship. Billy Boy becomes a disillisioned benchwarmer, turning to drugs and alcohol, until he confronts his father at work. He blames his father for setting unrealistic expectations of greatness upon him, runs into the textile factory, and throws himself into the cotton thresher, killing himself instantly.

Standard Hollywood Bullshit - A short story anthology featuring vignettes such as "This Magic Moment" where a young White boy is mentored by a wise-cracking Black ( fill-in-blank) and becomes the best (fill-in-blank) in the world; "African Buddy Movie #67" featuring a wise old by the book White cop who can't rein in his unorthodox young wise-cracking Black cop partner. Comedy ensues!; "WTF?", a M. Night Shyamalan thriller where a newly married man finds his wife's ever growing ass quite disturbing. Each day it seems her ass grows fatter and fatter. He grows suspicious of his wife's lineage, believing she's hiding the fact that she's really a light skinned Black woman. In one of his standard Hollywood bullshit twists, it turns out that broad's just been eating grits on the sly.

My Bloody Stump - This delightful children's tale finds Hans, a man who lost most of his right arm in a farming accident, as a new arrival in the Big City. Hans believes in being a genuine person and doesn't wear a prosthetic arm nor any wrapping or gauze on his highly infectable wound. He plays in the park with his dog, Carny, often causing dismay to parents as the dog leaps up and chomps down on to his bloody stump. This disgusting and unsanitary practice sickens the grown ups in the town while amusing the youngsters. One day while Hans and Carny are out for a walk, they come across a child stuck in an abandoned wishing well. Hans is the only man narrow enough to fit down the well. The adults are forced to work with Hans, lowering him into the well, while he rescues the child with his bloody stump. The moral of the story: Don't judge a muthafucka with a bloody stump.

Well, that's my screenwriting career in a nutshell. This shit won't sell and can't be watched.

Keep Writing,

*Of course, this is not the original title.


Blah Blah Blah said...

WTFuck?! is hilarious...M. Night Shaylaman is the BEST.

Finish that book African... You need to find your muse *hint hint*

nikki said...


funny, during a convention a couple of years back this guy from pakistan told me he noticed how the black folk in america are always the sidekicks in movies. they're never the main character with the white person being the sidekick. i remember thinking then that folks all around the world have peeped our second-class citizenship here.

sad, but it wasn't until he made mention of it that i even realized what he said was true. DAMN.

Disco said...

lawd, lawd, LAWD......*screaming into the background**

"Get me some valium and some restraints STAT"

We need to hold you down & do shock thereapy on you so we can see what really lies beneath yo' mental ass!!!

I love ya though.....

P.S. loved the bloddy stump!! CARNY!!!! CLAS.SIC !!! LMAO

TRUTHZ said...

yeah, it will never sell even though i am feeling don't mention it already has been done... you always have me going ....and what's w/ the bloody many peeps do you know walking around with a bloody stump

DizYaBoy said...

nice post!

Butterfly Jones said...

Pure jokes Zed. Don't be hiding your light under a bushel now. Let it shine Babee.

Insaneblackwoman said...

I want some of that shit you smokin', Zed. Whatever it is, it must be some hella shit, because I know this post came way outta left field somewhere. But I like the Bloody Stump, tho. Shit like that could scare the hell outta some kids... LOL!

brooklyn babe said...

Yo "Don't mention It" is actually pretty DEEP. And can be pumped during Black History month and turned into a play featured at any play house located on MLK in anyhood.

Your mind your mind. Love your mind. You don't have writer block.
You just got "false constipation."
Think you can't shit, when U can!

Supa said...

all these sound like damn good story premises to me! so what's the problem? SOunds like you can give M. Night a run for his money.

~ Eclectic Soul ~ said...

*fell the fuck'eth outttttttt*