Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Rotten Candy

What the fuck is wrong with this hoe? This bitch E.T. has just shown up at my job again, un-a-fucking-nounced. I told the secretary to tell her that I'm unavailable. Now I gotta call her and blast her. I shoulda checked her hard the first time but I let it slide. Kindness for weakness, I'm telling you, they can never tell the difference. So now I gotta clock the fuck out. That's not what I was going to write about, but I just can't believe it. This shit just happened 2 minutes ago.

Anyway, what's up peoples? I'm here today to talk about Office Broccoli. What, you may ask, the fuck is Office Broccoli. Well first off, Office Broccoli is not a "what" but a "who". She works in my department. She's a 55 year old black woman with a fantastic body. That's not an exaggeration. She is the complete package, ass and titties, small waist, errthang. O.B. looks like she might be 70 looking at her damn face. It's old and hideous. Completely fucked up.

She's always wearing tight, revealing shit and she's constantly flirting with me. "Oops I dropped something" bending down right in front of an African. Yeah, I look 'cuz I'm a triflin' African. What the fuck do you expect. But that grill...yuck! Trying to show me paperwork and reading it along with me, her titties resting on my arm, looking up at me smiling. That face is horrible. I told Thelma about her ass. She said "Maybe she's flirting with you 'cuz she was the shit back in the day. Maybe she was the 'office candy'." I was like "Shit, more like the 'office broccoli'." And there ya go.

O.B. has recently changed her strategy. She walks to work everyday. It's wintertime in the fucking snowbelt. So she'll linger and ask an African for a ride home on a bad day. I oblige. Shit, I gotta oblige, she's like my mama's age and shit. So one day I take her to the crib, she introduced me to her daughter, Home Broccoli. Same affliction as Ma. Buttahead. She introduced me to her niece, WICBroccoli, with her fuckin' kids. Buttahead skank. This shit is disheartening and quite frankly, exhausting. I'm sick of meeting these lousy broads, but in the meantime, these are the only broads I'm meeting. Catch-22.

Hasta Luego,


Superstar Nic said...

Damn! What is up with these hoes showing up on folks jobs? This is the 2nd blog that I’ve read tonite that mentioned that!

LMAO @ Office Broccoli -- a 70 something looking in the face, 55 y/o lady always wearing tight, revealing shit all the time. Now she needs to quit it with that shit. Then walking to work in the middle of fucking winter so that she can plays games with the men folks… Crazy!

Chubby Chocolate said...

I am over here DYING!!!!!

I really don't want to say those four little words re: Batshit, but...

TRUTHZ said...

lol...didn't i tell you that she was gonna show up at your job again...you should've paid for your own drinks...now you have no choice but to sleep with her

My-Conscience said...

Damn Zed, I dont' know what to say.. This was so funny!!! WIC Brocoli, I don't where you come up with these names.. LOL

nikki said...


meanwhile, when the lights are out, we all look the same. at the very least you should take a bite of the broccoli. i heard that shit is good for you.

Anonymous said...

LOL @ WIC Broccoli, HomeBroccoli, Office Broccoli, Zed you know you say the wildest shit.

LOL @ Nikki, she so crazy!

Disco said...

And I repeat.... you are a HILARIOUS nigro..... (and yes, I did spell it like that) !!!

WIC Broccoli.... shame, shame, shame.....

You NEED to be here cause ERRY' ESPN mufucka is posted up in said building dawg!! Fine time for you to be away from your bloved "football"......*smdh*

The_Practitioner said...

Showing up at the job unannounced is a no-no. As a matter of fact, it is an open invitation for me to nut-up and spazz on that ass. Unannounced job showwer uppers get the bidness (lol).

Zed, one of those brocollis had to have had a phat azz. Smash that bro. ;o)

Anonymous said...

*looking around up in Zed's house.....same shit....*

YOU know what I am referring to AFRICAN!!! lol

Butterfly Jones said...

I may be a bit slow coming from Lon-din an all, but I didnt get the WIC Broccoli, although am sure it was real funny like the rest of the post.

OB sounds like a BOBFOC? Body Off Baywatch Face Off Crimewatch! LOL! Love it!

Knockout Zed said...

Boy oh boy, where do I start?

These women know I'm pussy deprived so they're throwing everything at me. I shall be strong.

I'm playing the anti-NWA ova here:

I will not eat green eggs and ham!

If you saw her, you'd see the name came naturally.

I don't think it gets that dark pre-Armageddon for me to fuck her. Broccoli will make ya piss turn green.

What's up wit' importing some chicks in from the Chi for a brotha?

I'll be in the city on Friday, soaking up any and all FREE Super Bowl activities.

All of the Broccolis have phat asses. These broads in this 'burg seem to have trouble separating workplace convo and personal convo. I wouldn't want Office Broccoli talking about how I turned her kin out at my job.

My god, woman! Can't I do anything right?

@BJ (damn, I never noticed the initials!)
Hey sweet Buttafly! Where ya been? Let me help you out with a truly American institution. W.I.C. stands for Women, Infants, and Children. It is a government program to insure that low income mothers have enough food to care for their kids. It's help. Assistance. Welfare (I think it's taboo to call it that). From the gub'ment. I implied she was "on aid", jobless, that she ought to live in a shoe because of her many progeny.


Cutie Cola said...

You sure know how to put a funny spin on things. Hey, maybe O.B. is trying to get her a little sumptin' sumptin' from a young buck!

Accomplice said...

Office broccoli, too funny! you can think of it this way, when the lights go off, those teeth will be hidden but you can still feel her body. still gross though.

Genesis said...

OMG i just found ya blog 2day. u r too funny. i thought i was the only one that knew about the "buttahead" thing.

lol@ office broccolli