Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Cock Block

I've been sick since Saturday. Since I've been at home doing nothing, I thought I'd tell y'all about last Friday.

So I'm minding my business on Thursday, working right? And I get an email from Karen, one of the SA women that are holdin' me down. It's an invitation to this after work affair on Friday that her sorority is throwing. I email her back "Cool, I needed this!" She tells me to email my frat brothers and make it live. So I do. And now this little event is gonna be the highlight of my weekend.

I got there Friday afterwork with the Vice Mayor (after his ass caught me trying to dodge him), and there are only two women there, Karen and E.T. Fuckin' E.T.! This is her sorority too!

So I ease back and wait for the broads to show up and my frat brothers to show. Nunna dat! No bros, no hoes. Two more chicks trickle in and one of the male "expatriates" comes in. One of the chicks that came in was a-fucking-mazing. Face and ass and legs and style and dimples and shit. Just good, good stuff. I'll call her "Pumps".

So charm kicks in, and conversation flows. Everytime I say something, E.T. interjects. Pumps starts talking football. Big Ten football, yo! I say "It's good to meet a woman that likes football." E.T. yells "I like football too! I invited you over to watch the game and you never took me up on the offer." I look at her blankly. "Anyway, it's good to see a woman into football." Pumps talks about the difficulty hangin' out in Satan's Anus. "Yeah, it's hard to find cool spots to hang out. Cool people too." E.T. says "I've called you a thousand times trying to get you to go out, you never answer your phone."

We leave this one spot to go to another, the one were I met Grilled Cheese at. As we walk, I talk to Pumps and E.T. keeps interjecting her shit. When we get inside the spot, I'm making the effort to set up something with ol' girl. In the meantime, E.T. is trying to sit in between us, saying generally stupid shit, and grabbing my biceps.

I'm trying to shut her silly ass down by asking my fellow male expatriate to run interference. That cat has NO conversation, so he can't hold up his end of the bargain. I'm sinking. I can't just crush E.T.'s spirit, because I'm unsure of the closeness of these women. I don't how cool they really are, I just know they're sorority sisters which don't mean shit. I've fucked 3 girls in a line of 5. They all backstabbed each other.

I waited for E.T. go to the bathroom. No haps. Every woman at the table went twice and E.T. didn't move. Wouldn't separate from her homegirl. I sick of waiting muthafuckas out. As everybody trickled out, E.T. stuck with Pumps. Fuck it. "See y'all later. I'm out." Who knows when I'll see Pumps again.

Peace,
KZ

31 comments:

Blah Blah Blah said...

It's really pathetic to see a chick straining herself to get something she can't have. Well, it's painful AND FUNNY!

I ain't your cheerleader bu-da...this one you should told ol' ET to "shut the fuck up bitch ...can't you see I am tryna holla at your girl...now get the fuck on somewhere!"

You need to start shutting these chicks down...that ol' not answering your phone shit is not working...tell them "leave me a.l.o.n.e."

Another day in The Anus...

Disco said...

FUNN-TY.... Hilarious dude! And uh.... I'm with Blah......

BZ said...

Welcome back, Zed! Miss your humor.

And, Oh that sucks! And I'm with Blah - should have told ET the deal. Worst she could say was that the two were tight and since she "pissed on that tree already" her girl wasn't having any parts of you. Big deal. Hurt feelings is the only way stupid chicks learn.

Anonymous said...

New ass ain't worth all the drama. I would've left too. ET will get hers ... karma is a b*tch.

Sorry you're sick.

Zeezy4Sheezy said...

real talk, you always need a deion sanders in your squad homie!! I call em deion cuz their adept at pickin off passes thrown by chicks like E.T... That's why me and boy are a deadly combo out there in them streets.. You got deion with the speed, and playmaking abilities then you got me aka Ronnie Lott just knocking heads off.

EqualOpportunityCrush said...

i was wondering where you were.. hope you're feeling better.

i agree with blah. you should've teabagged that hoe E.T. next time tell her to shut her pie hole.

And you're absolutely right, those sorority sisters have NO loyalty to one another. So, you coulda shut E.T. down and hollered at her girl without it being too much of an issue. If pumps is down, she'll be bout it regardless of E.T.

1969 said...

Glad you are feeling better Zed. I cosign with Blah. Chicks will only go as far as you let them. Should have told ET...obviously I didn't ever call you cause I wasn't really interested...I am however interested in your friend right here.

The Brown Blogger said...

Chuck:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
What I use in the battle for the mind
I hit it hard
Like it supposed
Pullin' no blows to the nose
Like Hassan said "I'm trippin' up hoes"

(fast forward to the chorus)
Flav:
Shut em down, shut em shut em down!
Shut em down, shut em shut em down!
Chuck:
I shut em down
Flav:
Shut em down, shut em shut em down!
Shut em down, shut em shut em down!
Chuck:
I shut em down
Flav:
Shut em down, shut em shut em down!
Shut em down, shut em shut em down!
Flav:
Shut em down, shut em shut em down!
Shut em down, shut em shut em down!

Organized Noise said...

Gotta hate that. I don't know if there's a story between you and E.T., but if she was doing that much blocking, you should have just taken her home.

Angel said...

DAG! she either was really feeling you or just didn't want "pumps" to get a chance to "feel" you... i agree with B-cubed. you shoulda just been like, "excuse me, but i'm not talking to you boo." and if that didn't work, "you should've just grabbed "pumps'" hand and led her to "someplace a little more quiet..." ;-)

Knockout Zed said...

@Blah
You know I ain't tellin' ET that shit. Especially since I have to see her at meetings and stuff.

@Robyn
ET is a major irritant, but I'll get the last laugh.

@BZ
Maybe that's the mantra I need to adopt. She needs her feelings hurt in that situation.

@Chele
I'm back at work today and hopefully I don't pass out. It'll take 6 muthafuckas to carry me out. Like pallbearers.

@Zeezy
That's what I miss about being at home. Everybody knew their roles without being told. Wingman is a vital position that might get you laid regardless.

@EOC
Damn, teabagged her? That woulda been dope! I've hated this ET chick for a long time. I was too lazy to link my old posts, but she's been an irritant for quite awhile.

@69
Do you think it's expecting too much to let her figure out she's a gotdamn irritant? Maybe so.

@Hassan
Way to make me feel worse by using the MC I most admire to give me advice. I shoulda shut her ass down.

@ON
I was too lazy to link to the stories where I went out to drink with her and she talked herself out of attractiveness. Or the time she tried to show me how flexible she was and put her leg on the table at a fancy restaurant. Or the time she saw me with Batshit and went into Batshit's office to ask her the nature of our relationship. Or when I stopped taking her calls and she showed up at my office several times in a row without permission. Yeah we got a history, none of which involves me kissing, fucking, asking her out or even hugging her.

I wouldn't fuck ET with your dick. She's the craziest broad I know.

@FA
Dudes are scarce, just like women are. I think she still believes I'm a potential for her. I'm not. She must be appraised of that situation.

KZ

nikki said...

OH HELLZ TO DA NAH!

i can't believe that sista played herself like that. my motto is "if that's your piece, you won't have to fight for it."

what kind of chicks you got there in the anus? evidently the shitty kind...

onefromphilly said...

Hey Zed, missed your humor, glad you're back!

What's up with your "vice mayor" doesn't he know the role of a wingman? Even when the girls hang out we know how to uphold this long honored tradition. Try harder to avoid his azz in social situations.

Is it considered corny to pass a woman a note? could you have passed Pumps a note saying sorry "WE" didn't get a chance to really talk call me sometimes...

Knockout Zed said...

@Nikki
What have I been trying to tell y'all? I feel like I'm trapped in an episode of Green Acres. I'm the lawyer dude that moved to the country and these cats are everybody else. They're making me think I'm crazy.

KZ

Knockout Zed said...

@OneFrom
I wish I had passed her a note. I wrote my number on the back of my card and couldn't get it to her.

KZ

Anonymous said...

Yo the Ravens might need to sign ET for their O line, cuz ain't nothing getting thru...lol

she was in super cock blocking mode. you should have thrown a flag on the play and said "...lemme holla @ you outside for a sec..."

Anonymous said...

Welcome BACK!!!!!

Did ET have on her new perfume Ode to Desperation Man ET is officially a HATER. If a guy isn't into you, don't block him from your homegirl he IS into. *smh*

Ming Houser, Realtor said...

Glad to see you're back. I thought we lost you for a minute.

FUCK ET! And, I would have told her that. I would have asked her to excuse us for a minute and then talked to Pumps. I would have told Pumps the deal with ET and let her make the decision. What I wouldn't have done is left and not know what could have happened!

Miz JJ said...

I can't believe that E.T. played herself like that. I could never get that geeked up over a dude like that in front of a bunch of people. Just not happening.

If SA is as small as you say I think you'll see Pumps around again and hopefully this time she'll be solo.

Robert L. Mack said...

As fine as you say this Pumps and a Bump chick is, I would have found some way to get her by herself....I dont know, walk her to the car or something..especiallt the disdain you have for ET, I might have just pulled the trigger in her face...and the way ET sounds, she probably would have been mad for a day or so and been back on ya...

Knockout Zed said...

@Ab
She was focused. Kinda like Orlando Pace and shit.

@Newy
She's always been a little "extra". I can't shake her.

@Dynasty
I was gone for a minute. Might be back just for a minute.

I'm about to try another way.

@Miz JJ
I'm trying to make it my business to see her again. Somehow.

@Mack
I tried to wait it out, but at the end, I felt like I was looking too desperate. So I left.

KZ

Little Brown Girl said...

ok I missed this totally (blind as a bat I am).

Aight so I'm wondering if the "anus" is that friggin small and black folks are few and far in between you don't think you can find out a little more about "Pumps" through Karen and maybe try to connect with her on the solo? She was engaging in convo so she might be open to hanging out on the one on one since she had the same issues with getting acclaimated to being in the "A"

Knockout Zed said...

@RD
I think Karen secretly wants to ride the bologna pony. I gotta come better than that.

KZ

Little Brown Girl said...

ugh!

But hell I gotta ask...so what's wrong with Karen (she's an option, no?)

Knockout Zed said...

@RD
Karen looks like the spitting image of my oldest sister. How am I supposed to get with that?

KZ

1969 said...

Zed...some chicks need an actual brick to fall on their heads before they get the picture.

You need to ask ET about her girl...

Honest said...

uhhh the cock blocker.

After watching my first and last episode of Flavor of Love last w/e I just realized you name your women like he does or maybe he names them like you do. Is flav reading this blog?

Knockout Zed said...

@69
I ain't askin' ET for nuttin'. She gets the proverbial gasface.

@Honest
It's funny you should say that. When I called ol' girl "Pumps" the first thing I thought about was Flav. I'm not quite as old and not quite as handsome.

KZ

Organized Noise said...

Thanks for the explanation. My dick and I both thank you.

aquababie said...

dang i missed ya. i was wondering where you've been.

i hate folk like that chic. if you ain't getting dick, don't block someone else's big o. this must be why i hang out with more dudes sometimes. and the chics i hang with ain't blocking shit.

and believe or not, that note shit would have been quite fly.

Knockout Zed said...

@ON
I think you posted this in the wrong spot, but I feel ya.

@Aqua
You think the note woulda worked? Maybe I'll reconsider that the next time I'm in that position. Even though "Player's Law" says never put anything in writing.

KZ