Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The One-Eyed Man

“In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” - Irish Proverb

Yesterday was pretty cool in Anusland. I got a lot of half assed attention for the half assed job I'm doing from the half assed staff. It was Boss' Day, a half assed holiday. It was fantastic in a real half assed way.

They all let me know that I was no longer an oddity, that big Black usurper from Detroit who came outta nowhere to make their lives miserable. I was just a regular old jackass who was in management here to make their lives miserable.

Among staff I know they have come to see me and the things I do as "regular". "That's just Zed". That's the point you always hope you can get to with people. When my staff comes to me look to me for solutions instead of trying to get around me to my boss, I know something's going right.

I went on this lunch date too. It was with a woman I met in February, actually on the same day I met Carmel. We just hooked up after all this time. Once again, my taste is impeccable. She made me wish "clam" was on the menu.

A lot of women want to know if they can "church you up". That was her thing, too. I guess that's a valid question if that's the litmus test you use to judge if a Black man is good or not. My beliefs tend to lean towards the shit that Mos Def said on the Blackstar CD, most of us are "not good, but well-behaved". So, no, I'm not necessarily a "good" brother, but I won't steal, slap your ass around, or fuck a man. And I make a decent living. With so many blind brothers as my general competition, my one eye is looking pretty good right now.



Blah Blah Blah said...

That's all any woman wants...to know you ain't gonna beat her down, try and fuck her brother and not steal her hard earned money...

...well I require more than that...but "typicals" will settle for that.

Carmel is bound to make an appearance in Zed's kingdom again...bound too! Hell or high water...I'mma be there to make it happen!! lol

Blah Blah Blah said...

And another thing....why men want a god-fearing woman but don't go to church themselves? As your walking out the door he yells...pray for me!...then goes back to watching the game...eff 'em all!!

Blah Blah Blah said...

...and one more...

You ARE the big black upsurper!

Blah Blah Blah said...

Clams are nasty...unless your making dip. lol

Blah Blah Blah said...

....but That's just Zed.

1969 said...

Yeah...what Blah said.

Knockout Zed said...

Clams are delicious! Trust me.

We're going to see Carmel, me and you.


Knockout Zed said...

Don't let Blah draw you in, she's kinda mean!


BZ said...

LMAO! This was a good one. But although there are many that will, personally, I ain't settling for a brotha who is content to barely make it "above the bar" that is set by the surrounding population. What's the next guy gotta do with him? Glad I don't have brothers. LOL

Anonymous said...

Good analogy! I guess I can't be too picky, huh? So, I would love to get an eye and a half outta some dude. Wait a minute...I just went out with a dude who told me that he loves me and wants to marry me after I haven't seen him in 4 years...so who needs eyeballs...I've got dreams and delusions!

OH...and I'm with Blah too!

onefromphilly said...

You sound like you don't hate the Anus so much lately. Good, that will make this next year go a lot easier.

And I 3rd or 4th what Blah said!

The Brown Blogger said...

An I judge everyone, one by the one
Look here come the judge
Watch it here he come now
I can only guess whats happnin
Years ago he woulda been
The ships captain
Gettin me bruised on a cruise
What I got to lose, lost all contact
Got me layin on my back
Rollin in my own leftover
When I roll over, I roll over in somebody elses
90 f--kin days on a slave ship
Count em fallin off 2, 3, 4 huned at a time
Blood in the wood and its mine
Im chokin on spit feelin pain
Like my brain bein chained
Still gotta give it what I got
But its hot in the day, cold in the night
But I thrive to survive, I pray to God to stay alive
Attitude boils up inside
And that aint it (think Ill every quit)
Still I pray to get my hands round
The neck of the man wit the whip
3 months pass, they brand a label on my ass
To signify
Im on the microphone
Sayin 1555
How Im livin
We been livin here
Livin aint the word
I been givin
Havent got
Classify us in the have-nots
Fightin haves
cause its all about money
When it comes to armageddon
Mean Im getting mine
Here I am turn it over sam
427 to the year
Do you understand
Thats why its hard
For the black to love the land
Once again...

How I used to see my boss...
Enjoy that shit (that you're not see that way). And I hoped you really enjoyed lunch.

Mr.Slish said...

Blah..lol Zed didn't say he wanted a church going woman..He clearly stated His date was trying to church him up...She gonna put him in his best suit with a bowtie,take him to chuch and show him off. After. She will take him home, straddle then slap him in the head with her bible saying " Who's pussy is this" and Zed will respond " JE JE JEEEEEEEEZUS" LOL....

Knockout Zed said...

Every blind cat out there thinks he's one eyed, and every one eyed cat out there thinks he's got two. Women tend to think every blind cat could see with therapy and every one eyed cat is too full of himself.

Everybody settles, even when they think they're not.

Hey precious! You be as picky as you wanna be! Skip that fool.

Oh no, I still hate it. I just gotta realize these women ain't Detroit women. Ask Flavor Flav. He picked two Detroiters in a row.

Dang Hassan! You got me in a P.E. haze. I need to go diggin' in the crates for my shit again.

My little dates are getting better and better.

LOL! Dude, I laughed so hard, my secretary came in to see what was going on!

I know one thing for sure. If I go to church with these chicks, I'm guaranteed the pussy. How fucked up is that?


BZ said...

KZ: true that! Damn you for shutting me down! LOL

mrs.tj said...

Right! Right! I can't knock your hustle. I know there are good men out there, but sometimes I truly think women are looking for some made up type of dude. We are all human and no where near perfect.Not that anyone should lower their expectations, just be realistic! So if it is that perfect person you are looking for, my suggestion is always to look into the mirror first.

Miz JJ said...

I think the biggest myth is that if you get your man to church he'll turn into some type of saint. If I want to go to church I'll go solo. You can stay home and watch football. I don't need you around all those women at church. Hell naw. Kidding. Good to see you are having more fun in SA.

Knockout Zed said...

It's all true. If nobody settled, we'd all be single forever.

I know "good" is relative, just like almost anything else. I try to be relatively good, but that's all I can promise.

They are some "bunnies" at the ol' tabernacle. I'll give ya that!

Disco said...

Yeah Cyclops.....he DID pick two Detroit women.......

Great analogous relationship you made there!

Anonymous said...

"I won't ... fuck a man" - LOVE that. ROFLMAO. It's crazy (but so true) that you have to put that on your resume, nowadays!

aquababie said...

LOL @ mr slish! you are so right. i don't go to church, so i've never tried to church a dude up. i've had a few try it on me though. i'm glad to hear you're having fun.

Angel said...

i too like it when the employees finally relax and realize that you truly are regular...because that means that they have officially "let their guards down," and that's when the REAL fun begins! ;-P

NegroPino™ said...

*i wont hump a man* adding that to my essentials list :-) But does that mean u will hump another lady if the opportunity presented itself...see men are no good...i turn down plenty of D!CK

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the b-day wishes. You might wanna strive to be a little better than well behaved.

Rashan Jamal said...

LOL @ tryna church you up. I get that all the time. I had this one girlfriend that thought she was gonna stop me from listening to dirty hip hop so she bought me some gospel rap. That relationship was doomed from that point on.

The Brown Blogger said...

She tried to put some 'DC Talk' on ya?


ME: "Please, gather your things and remove yourself from my residence. Thank you, God bless and goodnight."

Knockout Zed said...

Cyclops, indeed.

Detroit women are the greatest!!!


@Monica C
I've had chicks ask me "Are you on the DL?". What's the correct answer? A DL dude would of course say "No", right? So if I say "No", which I will, I become suspect, right?

Men churching up women? That happens?

@FA aka BTB
And that's when you get to fuck with them. I walked into a meeting and one of my staff people was sitting at the head of the table. I said "Why are you sitting in my seat?" kinda gruff. He scrambled out of the seat apologizing profusely. I started laughing "I was joking. Wherever I sit is the head of the table." And I sat at the head.

You found my loophole! I'm well-behaved, not that good.

Sorry, that's all I got!

@T Cas
That happens constantly. The flow comes to a standstill here if you say you don't go to church.

Gospel hip hop? Really? Like the Boogiemonsters or something? Remember "Recognized Threshholds of Negative Stress"?

I shoulda, except her ass was real big. And I'm in the boonies.


Robert L. Mack said...

LOL@ TCas Gospel Rap....

I haven't had a chick try to church me up, yet..I've had them ask why I don't go, but never has anyone really made me go...

And stop jinxing yourself by bringing up "whatsherface"...LOL...she gonna call you watch. Or, *ahem* stop by....

Although if you her and Blah got together, boy, West Coast Productions would have nothing on you. LOL...im out..

I have a love hate thing for Deelishus.

aquababie said...

maybe it's just me! LOL i am such a heathen :)

Phoenix said...

I learned my lesson - I ani't bringing another dude to church until he tells me he wants to "wife me". Don't make sense in my book. Now if he shows up their on his own accord then that is his business. Until I know he is the "one" ain't nobody in my family or church gonna meet him froom me. of course I'll have at least one friend who may know some particulars in case I end up dead or missing. lol

Knockout Zed said...

You luv that chick, so whenever I see your name, it's the same as bringing her up. Y'all are linked in my mind! Except if she's butt nekkid. Then, I ain't thinkin' about you!!!

WCP!!! That's my shit!

If a dude like ME invited you to church, then you're a heathen. Otherwise, you're good.

You meet my parents, we've been married a week. Thems the rulez.

Yeah, you gotta give somebody his details. "He drives a lime green AMC Pacer..."


Honest said...

I didn't even get a "what's up" on boss day. I guess my one subordinate is trying to tell me something.