The Connoisseur

I was elated as I ran my 8,000 after work errands yesterday. It was around 6:00 pm, and I was on my way to take a passport photo. It was 45 degrees and still light outside. I got a warm feeling inside, like the kind you get when you piss on yourself while wearing a scuba suit. Too much information? Anyway, the warm feeling occurred because I was seeing the light at the end of winter's dark, cold tunnel. Spring will be here in a few weeks, at least nominally.

The bigger picture thing is that spring brings the time of year me and my boy Three wait for: waistcoat weather. It's when professional asswatchers, such as ourselves, are in our element. We, are the connoisseurs.

We used to play a game in college where we'd look through someone's high school yearbook, look at the girl's faces, and tell you whether or not she had a fatty. By just looking at her face. We recognized tell tale signs in a woman's face to the kind of wagon she was draggin'. Our success rate was phenomenal.

Great asses usually come in a few internationally recognized forms:

• The Backbite - otherwise known as "the hook". It's when the ass cuffs under. If you lift up an asscheek and underneath it's untanned, you my friend are in the presence of greatness. The hip to waist ratio is off the chain in most of these instances. Sometimes referred to by Three and I as the Brett Favre or the Reggie White, because the chick sporting one of these is a "Packer".
  
• The Bubble - possessed prominently by female athletes like volleyballers or track and field chicks. This ass is firm and muscular, much better to look at than to feel, because personally I need some jiggle. Sometimes the possessor lacks the hips to make this REALLY sexy.
  
• The Cameleon - also known the Groundhog. Couched in anonymity most of the time, this ass sneaks up on you. Usually on a chick with a cute little shape, it's a round ass with hips and some heft to it, but little else to distinguish it. Catch it at the gym or butt assed naked, and you're amazed that you missed it. Chicks with backbite or bubble can't hide the ass the way Cameleon owners can. I know a big ass hiding in big clothes. A Cameleon is truly a horse of a different color.
  
• The Glenn Close - big and attention grabbing. This ass WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!! If you measure downward from a woman's waist to her ankles, this ass will take up nearly half the length. Hip to waist is ridiculous, too. It takes a real man to handle Glenn Close, and it's not Michael Douglas, baby!

All I'm sayin' is I'm waiting for the waistcoats!

One Love,
KZ