Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Connoisseur

I was elated as I ran my 8,000 after work errands yesterday. It was around 6:00 pm, and I was on my way to take a passport photo. It was 45 degrees and still light outside. I got a warm feeling inside, like the kind you get when you piss on yourself while wearing a scuba suit. Too much information? Anyway, the warm feeling occurred because I was seeing the light at the end of winter's dark, cold tunnel. Spring will be here in a few weeks, at least nominally.

The bigger picture thing is that spring brings the time of year me and my boy Three wait for: waistcoat weather. It's when professional asswatchers, such as ourselves, are in our element. We, are the connoisseurs.

We used to play a game in college where we'd look through someone's high school yearbook, look at the girl's faces, and tell you whether or not she had a fatty. By just looking at her face. We recognized tell tale signs in a woman's face to the kind of wagon she was draggin'. Our success rate was phenomenal.

Great asses usually come in a few internationally recognized forms:
  • The Backbite - otherwise known as "the hook". It's when the ass cuffs under. If you lift up an asscheek and underneath it's untanned, you my friend are in the presence of greatness. The hip to waist ratio is off the chain in most of these instances. Sometimes referred to by Three and I as the Brett Favre or the Reggie White, because the chick sporting one of these is a "Packer".
  • The Bubble - possessed prominently by female athletes like volleyballers or track and field chicks. This ass is firm and muscular, much better to look at than to feel, because personally I need some jiggle. Sometimes the possessor lacks the hips to make this REALLY sexy.
  • The Cameleon - also known the Groundhog. Couched in anonymity most of the time, this ass sneaks up on you. Usually on a chick with a cute little shape, it's a round ass with hips and some heft to it, but little else to distinguish it. Catch it at the gym or butt assed naked, and you're amazed that you missed it. Chicks with backbite or bubble can't hide the ass the way Cameleon owners can. I know a big ass hiding in big clothes. A Cameleon is truly a horse of a different color.
  • The Glenn Close - big and attention grabbing. This ass WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!! If you measure downward from a woman's waist to her ankles, this ass will take up nearly half the length. Hip to waist is ridiculous, too. It takes a real man to handle Glenn Close, and it's not Michael Douglas, baby!
All I'm sayin' is I'm waiting for the waistcoats!

One Love,


Anonymous said...

OMG! I'm first! Proudly a Cameleon! And as usual you have way too much idle time to have come up with

BZ said...

LMAO! This was funny. I suppose I have a "Backbite". Cuz I have that crease where the a$$ meets the leg and this is true, it's untanned, even when I go to the tanning booth nekked. LOL

I actually wore a waistcoat today cuz it's in the high 40s! It put me in such a good mood with the sun out and all. My mood will brighten as the days get warmer.

chele said...

You're an ass. I'm thinking the purpose was to get all of us to admit what kind of ass we're carrying.

Not gonna happen ... you've seen the pic ... you tell me.

BKBajan said...

This was too funny. I am co-signing with Chele, why don't you rate all the pics and you tell us (since you are such an expert)let's see how good you really are.

Knockout Zed said...

Ahhh, a Cameleon. It's like looking for a pennies on the ground and finding a $20. Beautiful!

You just brightened everybody's mood if you're wearing a waistcoat and you got a Backbite. Kudos!

I know what you got. I just wanna see if I'm right.

I'm not rating anybody, because I'll offend the hell outta some women. They'll think they gotta full trunk, but will find out they don't.


1969 said...

Are we all supposed to talk about our asses now? Slick Zeddie, very slick....I like your style.

onefromphilly said...

I don't know what I have. I don't think I fit into any of these categories. I'll have to go a mirror and check!

I'm a "chest and arm" woman. Can't wait for the men to come out of those overcoats and suit jackets!!!!!!!!!

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

enough about asses...

where is the artist formerly known as afraid to fly going with a new passport photo?

do tell!!

Knockout Zed said...

One can dream, can't one?

You got a bubble with hips. But don't tell nobody I noticed.

@Miss Ahmad
Hopefully Europe by late summer. I will be sufficiently doped up, though.


A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

expanding your horizons...isn't love grand makes you believe you can fly*wink*

Angel said...


what about us women without any of the aforementioned "ass"ets? dammit! in my case, i DIDN'T get it from my mama--i didn't get it PERIOD!!!! :-(

aquababie said...

i've always wished i have more of an ass. but i was blessed with nice tits, so i think the creator made up for it :)

Disco said...

Dude.... this is some of the FUN.NIEST shit and is one reason I love you! LOL

I remember when you told me of the "backbite" and I nearly choked and spit out whatever I was drinking....through my nose..... I was laughing so fuckin hard! LOL

These are Zed clas.sics.

And for the record, I am with Fallen Angel..... I was blessed (at one time, pre-surgery that is) with the upper, but got "hosed" on the lower......

One day I SWEAR FO GOD I'mma buy some & The Singing Ex of yours have vowed to do it onnnnne fine day....... cause that is the ONLY way it will come to me! :-)

DivineLavender said...

I hate waistcoat. These ghetto mini kimleerussell's walking around with those coats on too tight and all up above their tire waist.

Ewwwww nasty!

I am boycotting waist coats....Who am I kidding I can't hide my ass in the dayum dark!