Thursday, February 22, 2007

Master The Possibilities

So the other night I was on the phone with TAD kinda late. When we got off the phone, I was all...let's say...ahem...feeling "up". I needed to do something about it. I went through my DVD collection, found the one that I wanted, then grabbed the lube and the tissue. I started the DVD. That was the last thing I remember.

I woke up with my dick in one hand, a tube of lube in the other. Underneath me was a box of Puffs, crushed. I fell asleep before I could pull one out. It was about 6:00 am and I was pissed. If I pull one out before I go to work, I'll be useless all day. How come there is a difference between fuckin' before work (which will leave you energized and ready to conquer the world) and beating off before work (which will make you logy and all fucked up for the next several hours)? I would have to wait.

When I got home from work, I had a million errands to run. I'm trying to apply for gigs, and I was out of ink and didn't have bonded paper. Plus I had to go to the cleaners and get groceries and try to find ballroom songs for the Fo.urth Frid.ay event. But I'd be useless the rest of the night if I didn't pull one off. So I had to do it quick, lest shit close up on me.

I walked in the living room and took off my slacks. I raced upstairs to the Masterbatorium (a.k.a. my office) and opened up Windows Media Player and looked for my newest porn download, Big Booty Lite-Skinned Girls Part IV. Now it's on!

I threw my tie over my shoulder, unbuttoned my shirt from the bottom up to about midway, grabbed the lube and began my quest. This, my friends, was gonna get messy.

About midway through the flick, in Scene 2, it when I reached the inevitable conclusion. When all hell was breaking loose, I realized I didn't have tissue. At this point, there was no stopping. Hell, I didn't even try to stop. I gotta do something. What can I use to catch it? I can't irrevocably fuck up my keyboard, sullying it with liquid baby. There was only one choice.

I grabbed the hem of my shirt and covered the top. "The inevitable" gushed forth with amazing force, but I managed to catch all of it. Using my shirt. Disgusting.

I was cool. I was relaxed and ready for the rest of my day. Shit, I had to go to the cleaners anyway.



Angie said...

That was pretty nasty. However, I am a freak and would like to know how many tissues are usually required to catch all of the "liquid baby"? : )

onefromphilly said...

why did I read that??!!
Dang dude it is LENT!!!!!

Knockout Zed said...

I can't give you a number. It varies depending on the "motivation".

I know it's lent. I gave up modesty.


1969 said...

Ha ha Ha.

And how did you explain the "stain" to the cleaners?

Knockout Zed said...

There's no explaining a cum stain. You know how it got there.

A few years ago, my boy Bugz took some cream colored slacks to the Chinese dry cleaners in our old hood. All around the zipper were lip prints in red lipstick. The lady looked at him, shook her head, and started mumbling something in Chinese.


aquababie said...

LOL @ the lipstick story!

this is hilarious :) i know many a man who have messed up a shirt with his seed. why don't yall dudes keep a special towel or something?? then you would have to wash it and then there's more mess...

when i saw the title of this thread, i automatically thought you are not "the master of your doman"! i loved that episode.

Miz JJ said...

I have never been so glad not to be in the dry cleaning business in my life!

Beana said...

Maybe I'm strange but that wasn't a nasty story at all. Woulda been cool to hide in the closet and watch. LOL maybe i'm nasty. that a "silent" activity?
I'm working on a mental picture.

Knockout Zed said...

I'm maturing, cuz it used to be an old sock. Tissues and shirts are upgrades.

@Miz JJ
It ain't so bad. Business keeps cumming.

I'm ashamed to say it's not a silent activity. I'm always giving out instruction on how she should work the dick and telling her how nasty she is.


Anonymous said...

I had a Lewinski on my taffeta Easter dress when I was like fifteen. I told my mother AND the cleaners it was ice cream

I guess I cant get mad when dudes roll over and fall asleep immediately after sex with me... when its possible for them to fall asleep DURING sex with themselves!

This post was very educational... nasty, but educational

DivineLavender said...

Liquid BABY, LIQuid BABE, L-i-q-uiED Ba-BY.

Boy don't have me over here pissing on myself...You are crazy!

Yet, you have inspired me to masturbate.....Later Gator!


Pamalicious said...

Chez - had to laugh at your comment and Zed Lawd, that was funny. However, I do agree with your assessment of self love in the morning - I'm about to fall on my computer desk - hubby left before I could welcome the day with a smile, lol lol So I welcomed it alone and now I really just wanna take one little nap, lol

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

wow if I could've been a string on that shirt....

Knockout Zed said...

Damn. I didn't even see pussy until I was 16. And you was making the lizard spit at 15? Good work!

It's always good to masterbate. Always.

Congrats on the nuptials, mama! You can't self pleasure before work. It'll do you in everytime.

If you were a string on the shirt, I wouldn't have needed the porn!


Anonymous said...

Damn I attempted to read th at work yesterday and quickly shut it down after I figured out the topic. Now I wish I had read it. Would've prevented my little episode this morning.

And for the record...that was some nasty *ish. Funny as hell, but still nasty!

Angel said...

"liquid baby?" FOR REAL?