Well, the other shoe has dropped. I knew it was coming and I didn't really plan for it. It's like a great burden has been lifted from me, and now that it's gone, I miss the burden.
Last night I was talking to Thelma, she of incredible, indescribable hotness, my future babymama. She said the shit I'd been thinking but couldn't bring myself to say. "I don't feel any sort of connection to you. I don't think we should see each other anymore."
Just like that, I became emotionally available. "You're right. We don't need to hold on to something that's finished. We need to move on." That's what I said to her, exhaling. I didn't think we were a particularly good couple. We had fun, be we were intellectually and sexually incompatible.
But that little part of me thought she'd be my next wife. So I kept a part of me out of every little side relationship I had. I can't be with any other chick emotionally. I have a chick. No matter how much I fuck or how much I go out with you, you can't have me. I'm with someone.
With the conversation I had last night, it was gone. That part of me was freed. Through a string of overlapping serial relationships, I haven't been emotionally available since 1990. So now, even casual dating becomes scary as fuck. Any broad could be lurking in the grassy knoll, with my bachelorhood in her sights. And my guard would be down.
Now I have to turn my shit up a few notches, become the uber-asshole, just to fend off potential lifemates. Every date becomes an adventure, laced with potential. I haven't been here in a long time.
KZ
Last night I was talking to Thelma, she of incredible, indescribable hotness, my future babymama. She said the shit I'd been thinking but couldn't bring myself to say. "I don't feel any sort of connection to you. I don't think we should see each other anymore."
Just like that, I became emotionally available. "You're right. We don't need to hold on to something that's finished. We need to move on." That's what I said to her, exhaling. I didn't think we were a particularly good couple. We had fun, be we were intellectually and sexually incompatible.
But that little part of me thought she'd be my next wife. So I kept a part of me out of every little side relationship I had. I can't be with any other chick emotionally. I have a chick. No matter how much I fuck or how much I go out with you, you can't have me. I'm with someone.
With the conversation I had last night, it was gone. That part of me was freed. Through a string of overlapping serial relationships, I haven't been emotionally available since 1990. So now, even casual dating becomes scary as fuck. Any broad could be lurking in the grassy knoll, with my bachelorhood in her sights. And my guard would be down.
Now I have to turn my shit up a few notches, become the uber-asshole, just to fend off potential lifemates. Every date becomes an adventure, laced with potential. I haven't been here in a long time.
KZ
28 comments:
YES!!! FIRST *smile*
Awwwwwww Zeddie I am so sorry to hear that this happen...LOL!! Ok that ain't funny, so I'm sorry...but look at it this way. You knew it all along, you can't find happiness in someone you have nothing in common with. You said you weren't sexually compatible so could she really have been wifey?
Stop being scared of the possibilities. Love is not a bad thing, especially when shared between two like-minded souls. Stop guarding yourself from yourself...allow yourself to BE!!! You never know...your hearts desires could be a few steps away...like you said to me...maybe this is preparing you for that moment *smile*
Keep your head up Zeddie Bear!!!
You are probably the scariest dude I have ever encountered. I really feel sorry for that chick that's hiding in the grassy knoll.
Dude. DUDE.
Why be scared of potential happiness. I KNOW.YOU. and still there are things that still amaze me about you.
Look, you and I AND the wallpaper knew that it was time.
Really and truly, you needn'tput your guard up, because when you DO, you may REALLY miss out on a good thing.
@RD
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not really sorry. I'm not really sorry either.
Now I'm ready to propose to you. We gotta start makin' babies this weekend!
@Chele
I'm not the scariest dude you've ever met. I'm the only one who talks about it.
@Robyn
You know I'm the classic serial monogamist. I feel empty as hell. I feel like I did when I moved into my new apartment after the divorce.
On some ol' Jane Child shit: "I don't wanna fall in love..."
KZ
Just remember...NO DIAMONDS!!! Too many kids over there in the motherland losing limbs and shyt so we can rock that icy shyt :-)
Babies this weekend hunh? Dayum let me see if I can get an appointment for my brazilian wax LMAO!!!
Zeddie you're silly...but you know we're right. Nothing wrong with being a serial monogamist...it's safer anyways. Just make sure to remain open to being just a monogamist when the right sista shows up. Don't hide from love cause it will eventually stop looking for your azz...
SMOOCHIES my dear!
I'm disappointed, like you, that now that "phantom" relationship that had you holding back is now no more...
Yet, deep down..like you said...that was never gonna materialize...she wasn't where you were and vice versa. Case in point, her not leaving ma and granny's side.
I think this is good for you. As much bullshit as you talk...you want a relationship...a real one...all this stickin' & jivin' shit you've been doing was because you could fall back on Thelma... I know she was a looker...but something other than her looks had you thinking she was gonna be wifey. That other thing was... the "want" of a relationship. So play the uber ass if you want to...but you ain't hurting no one but yourself in the end...
okay zed you just dropped knowledge with this one. The piece of us that we hold out in every relationship is really really real!
i had to do some major house cleaning in the relationship department this year because I found that not only was I holding on to a piece of me, a few dudes out there were also holding on to a piece of me, which made me emotionally unavailable for the most part.
this has been the most singlest year of my entire life, but it's unburdened by dysfunctional relationships and I think that's a start!
You are now ready to explore new ground, which is always scary and always a blessing!
Sidenote, first: I appreciate you for going easy on me, Bro. You have every right to check me, and now that you have, I stand checked! My next post will be to you, called: Ode to Being Told, LOL.
You know, I always Thelma was the one for you, but it aint what I think. It's what YOU think.
You have enough therapy and suggestions going on here, so I'll bow out gracefully on this post. It aint like I be saying shit no way...
"When Love calls. You better answer. Don't let it slip away, ay, ay, too many times. Or Love might not ever come again." (I'm listening to KKDA right now)
Luv you! Big sis, Insanity.
@Tony
It's not a guard, per se, but kind of a thing where when I creep, it's not really "cheating". No feelings are involved and the woman has no access to my heart, so it's not really cheating.
I have no reason to put up that boundary now. I'm actually single in my heart.
@CG
I'm a pretty private person anyway. But this "guard" was really about sexual/romantic relationships.
@RD
No diamonds? What about the wedding theme? *diamonds and pearls*
Seriously, I tried to nix the diamonds with my first wife and she thought I was trying to pull some cheap act on her. You are a progressive!
I'm actually open, completely open for the right one. Amazing.
@Blahzay Bloopty Blee
I want a relationship like crayons want heat. I do, however, want children in wedlock. It's funny but true.
@Miss Ahmad
It's hard being "really" single, ain't it? I haven't been there since I was a kid (how come when I wrote that, I felt like saying "but still I bust more shots than you ever did!"). It's kind of unsettling to be here and really have NO ONE that completely has your back.
@Insanity
We are all a big, dysfunctional family on this blog. We are all here to write. As much as we may disagree or have problems with one another, we'll always have that in common. We're linked forever, no matter how much we protest!!! Let's just enjoy this moment in time. We are together, united in trying to memorialize ourselves.
I thought Thelma was the one, too. I actually knew she wasn't, but I tried to make it so. It's better this way.
KZ
touche'
you're absolutely right ... and I suffer from the same thing -- which is why I'll never walk down the aisle again. It's just when you see it in black and white ... it's scary.
Seems like this is the time to ENJOY!
Holla!
you still go on dates?
Dates are soooo 90's.
@Chele
I'm starting to wear some of my insecurities on my sleeve a bit. I know it's the result of not living in a big city anymore. I gotta cut this shit out.
@TJ
It does seem like it would be fun, but I got a career to manage. I can't get caught up and end up stuck in Satan's Anus.
@LiquorMunkee
I go on panty raids. They are sooo '50s!
KZ
lol@LiquorMunkee..when we gonna do that collabo? People been askin about us.
@L and TV
I got some cop show shit in the chamber. Let me know when you're ready.
KZ
@BDK
Now that's some hard shit. You open up and then you get your heart stomped on. When I think about it, I know that's what makes women stronger (emotionally) than men. They lead with their hearts much more than we do, and disappointment after disappointment they keep coming back.
We gotta stop punishing the worthy for the shit the unworthy do.
KZ
Maybe you just need to not date. You know take a break and contemplate your navel or something. But like others have said don't be scared of the possibilities. You never know you might find happiness and ever lasting love.
with a name like Thelma how HOT could she possibly be? Go find a Laqwandanikqua.
@Honest
I think I do need to step back a minute and let this thing sink in. I'm liable to let any woman step in and fill the void.
@Stilts
Obviously "Thelma" is a code name, due to her resemblance to a certain actress from Good Times.
She's a banger!
KZ
Hell naw, Derry's brother used to call me Thelma for that same reason, not cause I couldn't cook, cause I can burn!!
@Nsane
I'm sure you were Thelma because of certain...ahem...attributes. Not the way you cook oatmeal.
@Mack
I've gotten unsolicited head once in four years. Everytime things got sexual, she talked in euphemisms. That shit will turn you off in the heat of passion. "Ooh, look at your ding-ding". She gave me the ass whenever I wanted it, but she was sooo passive and just THERE. I tried everything I know, and shit I don't know, to make it better. I've dated plenty of prudish women. It might start out mediocre, but by the time we were through, they had skills. I used to tell my ex girl Pinky, "Is that new cat thanking me yet?"
Thelma cums HARD, squirting everywhere, screaming and shit. I know she's getting hers. She just ain't got it.
Who's like that? Chappelle #2?
KZ
awwwww, don't be scared KZ! look at it this way, now you might have more opportunities to "stroke the kitty. pet the kitty. lick the kitty. be nice to the kitty." LOL
~fallen angel
So if a woman doens't give you none for about 2 weeks, she gets benched?
But then if she's always available for the lay, then you get bored?
Which one is it???
I'm reeal late here.
That asshole persona you keep trying to channel...Thats not you bruh. Its so hard trying to hold in what your really feeling when in a relationship.
Make a deal with me. If you meet a woman with some potential. Promise you'll keep the asshole in check and let Brotha Zed be all he can be.
@Mack
Give Gina a few more chances to redeem herself. Sometimes we get slow starters that get progressively freakier.
@Angel
Who knows what'll happen. I know I need to create some space between these emotional entanglements.
@Nsane
Rob Mack, I think this is directed to you young Jedi.
@Slish
Man, you're open and you're ready for life with Barneys. That's a beautiful place to be. I've been there before. I don't want to be so used to attaching feeling to a woman just to end up settling for the first decent chick that comes around.
KZ
Zed, you knew from the jump that you had already lost
when you only had barely enough to hang on
ZED-
I have officially dedicated my latest post to you...
"don't be afraid... come to me"
(well not today but you know) :*
hahaaha!
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