So I was on the phone with this woman that I used to work with. I'll call her Lo Lo, short for loqacious. She's a talker. Anyway, she's always trying to impress me with her intelligence and the fact that she's ambitious. 'Cuz she wants me to marry her. This is not just my ego at work. This is her stated intention. "You know I'm the perfect woman for you. You need to take me to meet your parents." Bitch, please! The only way you'd meet my parents is at my funeral.
So she's talking to me, right? And she's describing how she's the most brilliant person in the office. So I describe a problem to her that I was having involving a grant and the hoops the Feds put you through. She tells me about a similar problem, tells me the solution, and begins to let me know what else I need.
"If you wanted to get with me, you'd have to do me right. You'd have to jump through some hoops, you couldn't just do what you wanted to do." I'm wondering how we got back to this, but I don't say anything, hoping she'd just forget about it. Lo Lo keeps going. "You think doing what I ask you to do is a way for me to exert some sort of authority on you. And the way the feel about authority, you'd just not do what I'd ask because you'd feel like you were giving in."
Psychobabble bullshit. I won't jump through hoops for her because I don't want her.
Actually, that's not true. She was partially right. I really don't want her, but that's never stopped me from fucking a broad. I don't like getting what I want on anybody else's terms. It's silly assed reasoning like this that has me trying to move in executive circles with dreadlocs.
I was at the supermarket today and I saw a bunch of couples shopping. I was laughing inside as I saw mismatched couples, one after another. "Damn, she settled for less. Oooh, his babe is a dog!"were the things I said to myself the entire time I was shopping. After awhile I just got angry. I realized I was angry at these people for being happy with "less". I was actually angry because they were happy. That's some sick shit. So sick, it's hard to admit it.
I was boiling mad because these people found the person they could be happy with and I'd never be there. I know I'll never be there. I've never been satisfied in my life. The lack of satisfaction in my life is my entire motivation. If I was ever satisfied, I think I'd just cease to exist. Is that being goal oriented or just unrealistic?
In Buddhist teachings, desire is the cause for all discomfort. Once one ceases to desire things, that person becomes comfortable and is at a higher level of understanding. I don't even know if I want that level of understanding. I just know where I am today and it's not pretty.
So she's talking to me, right? And she's describing how she's the most brilliant person in the office. So I describe a problem to her that I was having involving a grant and the hoops the Feds put you through. She tells me about a similar problem, tells me the solution, and begins to let me know what else I need.
"If you wanted to get with me, you'd have to do me right. You'd have to jump through some hoops, you couldn't just do what you wanted to do." I'm wondering how we got back to this, but I don't say anything, hoping she'd just forget about it. Lo Lo keeps going. "You think doing what I ask you to do is a way for me to exert some sort of authority on you. And the way the feel about authority, you'd just not do what I'd ask because you'd feel like you were giving in."
Psychobabble bullshit. I won't jump through hoops for her because I don't want her.
Actually, that's not true. She was partially right. I really don't want her, but that's never stopped me from fucking a broad. I don't like getting what I want on anybody else's terms. It's silly assed reasoning like this that has me trying to move in executive circles with dreadlocs.
I was at the supermarket today and I saw a bunch of couples shopping. I was laughing inside as I saw mismatched couples, one after another. "Damn, she settled for less. Oooh, his babe is a dog!"were the things I said to myself the entire time I was shopping. After awhile I just got angry. I realized I was angry at these people for being happy with "less". I was actually angry because they were happy. That's some sick shit. So sick, it's hard to admit it.
I was boiling mad because these people found the person they could be happy with and I'd never be there. I know I'll never be there. I've never been satisfied in my life. The lack of satisfaction in my life is my entire motivation. If I was ever satisfied, I think I'd just cease to exist. Is that being goal oriented or just unrealistic?
In Buddhist teachings, desire is the cause for all discomfort. Once one ceases to desire things, that person becomes comfortable and is at a higher level of understanding. I don't even know if I want that level of understanding. I just know where I am today and it's not pretty.
Be Cool,
KZ
46 comments:
I dont think you should have to jump through hoops for anybody even people who cut your paycheck. You and your hunny should fit together well without all the mental gymnastics...I do agree if you wanted LoBo over there, you would ignore the hoopage for a while, but you would eventually get fed-up and leave the circus tent.
In terms of the whole disatifaction=motivation issue, I struggle with that everyday. All the wholistic health people, gurus and preachers tell you to live for today and dont worry about tomorrow...easy for them to say! But I want stuff! And more importantly, I want my stuff back I had to hand over to get my education...starting with my credit rating (currently being ran the f*ck over with my student loan debt) and the $8K Ive spent to date unsucessfully taking the Bar Exam...when you find out the answer to this one, you let me know.
Buddha was wrong for sayin that shit, and I am not lying.
How you just gone give up your desires? God gave them to you; how else would we know Him? You have to desire to know Him, first, right?
There's nothing wrong with a little bit of desiring to be successful. Hell, I desire to be successful; I hope the next man does. Success does equate to happiness, because who sits around being glad that they failed at something they desired to do?
@ Insanity you're mistaken, The statement buddha made is not wrong. Really break down that quote. What he's really saying is be happy with what you have in front of you. They are others that desire to be where you're at.
Zed don't feel that way dog. Satisfaction can come from the most insignificant things. Open your eyes and take another look. You have a lot going on. Those couples you saw might secretly loath one another...
Be happy. You're an African American man with no Baby Mama Drama, High Level Job, and Chicks waiting in line to play footsy with ya...Things could be worse.
damn Zed. you sound just like me. eternally seeking out more, but never being satisfied... so is life.. maybe one day you'll be satisfied.
@Niki
Retro pic again?
Anyway, I'm basically a lazy cat. I don't like working for shit. I'll work hard to achieve some shit and then coast (Lupe shit). But I'm never, ever satisfied. I always think I got the short end of anything I achieve.
@Insanity
I thought Buddha was on some shit too, until I tried to put that shit in practice. The entire source of my discomfort is thinking about stuff I don't have or stuff I want to accomplish. Take that out of the equation and I'm able to evaluate my better identify my needs. And needs are what connect you to God IMHO.
@Slish
Dude, I'm really a sick cat. I have stopped, cold turkey, reading blogs when muthafuckas find love or contentment. "That fake shit is boring." Everytime a dude I know walks down the aisle, I'm the voice of dissention. I can't be happy for anybody. I can't even be happy for me. Because you're right, I have a lot of good stuff on my side, but I can't enjoy it.
@EOC
You know what? I hope one day we'll both find what we seek. Whatever that is.
KZ
I first got with hubby in high school the only reason was because he had a car and some money. I really didn't like him all like that. In time I feel in love with him becuase I saw he really loved me, he did things for me that I wasn't willing to do for myself. So even when I wasn't in love with him I was Loyal. Life is crazy sometimes like that!
Holla!
Some people never reach that state of happiness...they are like a drug addict~ a drug addict becomes an addict because he/she is always searching for that feeling derived from the first high.
Don't feel that way man. You have to be happy with you...not the temporary happiness/satisfaction feeling you get when you are sexing, but truely happy with where you are in life. A point where you enjoy just being you.
I agree with Slish! You have a lot to be thankful for. And desire is not a bad thing...desire is what drives you to keep achieving. Understanding that we humans don't even tap into 1% of our true power...without desire you'd dayum near be a vegetable. Be grateful that you have desire (despite how sick some of it may be LOL)
As for those couples. You can't tell the truth about a situation by just looking at the surface. Our biggest problem is that we desire perfection when in fact perfection doesn't exist. Once we accept that and resign to the fact that our happiness won't always come in a perfect package we'll all be able to live a fuller life. As is likely the case with those mismatch couples. You saw the one chick as a "dog" but once dude realized that his happiness wouldn't come int he form of perfection he probably was able to see some of "the dog's" most valuable qualities and they are what makes him happy. Not what one sees on the surface.
I know that all sounds like bullshyt but it's becoming more true for me. My new motto is no more fine azz men. They ain't worth all the dayum headache LOL!
I can feel that Buddhist shit...
Settling for less...we all know that everyone in life in lookin to better deal a person, so they settle waitin for the better person to come along....
@TJ
I believe that you can fall in love after the fact. I just don't believe that one's soul mate is always within a freakin' 5 mile radius of where you live. The reasons for hooking up aren't always kosher, but the reasons for staying together have to be.
@NewAgenda
Exactly! I agree wholeheartedly. With that being said, I still don't think I'll ever be happy like that.
@RD
Am I gonna have to uglify to hook up with you?
I really get upset when I feel like people are "settling". I don't know why. I get mad at them. I don't have to live with that choice, but I'm still mad. That's a little crazy!
@Nsane
We wait and grow old or we settle and be miserable for a long time. It's not a very appealing choice either way.
KZ
@Knockout-Yeah took this one at Sears Photo Studio back in the day!
Anyway, that's exactly why I like that song so much, because after you kick and push so d*mn much you SHOULD coast. That's not "lazy" that's "paid dues." Slavery is over. We SHOULD be reaping some benefits now, while seated, drink in hand.
Some blessings fall in your lap just for showing up, and some you have to wrestle from the angel. So I think the real answer is a happy medium...some kicking and pushing interspersed with periods of coasting...
@Slish-Ima need you to stop being in love all over the rest of us, okay? LOL!
I agree to a certain extent that you have to "be thankful for what you got" (William Devaughn). But unless you start smoking crack, there are some things you will want until you get them...and even then youll just start wanting more crack!
@Royce's-Gurl dont do it! Its 2006, the ugly men got sh*t with them too. They all have the potential to get on your LAST nerve so long as they have a penis...so you might as well have a good looking one, like Zed. Just look at those lips!
;-D
I don't know you, know you and since what I do know about you is what you choose to disclose on this blog I'd say you have issues but alas we all do.
Maybe the couples at the supermarket don't feel that they settled for "less". Maybe they settled with someone they could love and would be there through it all with them.
I don't think we should ever stop trying to achieve the next level of success or even the next milestone but we do have to take stock of what we've achieved and bask in that achievement. ah this isn't so black and white so I wish you look. :-).
Who is to say someone else is settling? Maybe all they ever wanted is what they have...and anything after that is just gravy to them?
"Desire is the cause for all discomfort"
So are we not supposed to ever want anything more? How dull and boring is that? I've wanted more and I've worked to achieve it ... it didn't make me uncomfortable ... it made me happy as hell. Maybe I'm missing the point.
Regarding the mismatched couples: mismatched in your eyes, right? Maybe they secretly loathe each other as Slish says or maybe they are perfectly matched. Who's to say?
You need to find a way to be satisfied with your life just as it is. You could be a lot worse off. I know that I will never marry again and some people actually feel sorry for me. They look at me and think that I will never be emotionally fulfilled because I don't have this thing called a husband. Fuck that. I'm jumping for joy inside. My definition of satisfaction is different from others. Are you unsatisified based on other people's expectations of you?
I'm rambling now so I'll just stop. BTW -- you need to smack LoLo with a brick.
Zeddie forget I said that stupid shyt LOL!! Don't go changing...you hear *smile*
the chick sounds like she'd be a Bridezilla..the broads on that show are crazy
I know that saying as Desire is the root of all sorrow...and when I was really into meditation and chanting, it rang very true for me.
the wanting, that thing that we mis name as our drive, that hole in us, well it only gets bigger with each thing we want.
it's a choice..the hole or the whole.
this weekend is my parents 30th Anniversary and my mom and I have talked allot about marriage and settling down and when and why and with whom and she feels as that no one is perfect but they may be perfect for you. She also doesn't think that there's anything wrong with settling on what you can settle for to be apart of the whole...
sounds like you're up for some soul searching
George Clinton said something that is apropos to this topic: "To each, his reach. And if I don't cop, it wasn't mine to have." My problem is I want it all. But you female bloggers know that, don't you?
@Chezniki
I've been known to cool a soup or two.
@Honest
Dang, you think I got issues? I don't think you got issues. It sucks that my blog makes me look like I got issues. On a better note, some folks blogs make 'em look like they got a lifetime subscription.
@Blah
We all settle in our own way. We all have the capacity to do and be MORE. If all I wanted was 3 hots and a cot, I'd join my cousin Antoine in prison.
@Chele
LoLo is a loud mouthed know it all, but she thinks I'm the shit. My enormous ego (among other things) likes to be stroked.
Being "enlightened" in the Buddhist sense of the word is to be free of desire.
In Buddhism, The Four Noble Truths are as follows:
1. Life means suffering
2. The origin of suffering is desire
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable
4. There is an eightfold path to cease suffering.
I won't go into that long assed 8-fold path, but you get the picture.
@Ironmunki
I believe that the true enlightened being can escape suffering and death according to Buddhist teachings. I'm not the best cat to discuss this with. I only know what I've read.
If there is an actually Buddhist reading this, me and Ironmunki need your assistance to clear this up!
@RD
I'm not beautiful, but I'm far from ugly. OK, not far from ugly, but I'd have to take two buses and a short cab ride to get there.
@L and TV
Did you read my request that we start a joint blog? I need you to start posting again. Whatever help I can provide, I'll do it.
That chick LoLo just wants a cat with good insurance for her shorty. I ain't wifin' her.
@Tony
I know too many cats who fuck around and look like they just swallowed a bag fulla razor blades to get married when they didn't want to. I was included in that number. I ain't settling. Period.
@Miss Ahmad
My parents have been together 36 years. This is the second marriage for both of them. And I still think they got married as a kind of "might as well" situation.
I'll settle for a great rack instead of a giant booty. But that's as far as I'm willing to go.
KZ
Yeah I saw it and responded.
Give me a couple of weeks to build my strength back up...lol
@L and TV
Cool! We gon' create a work of genius!
@CG
I don't know why they hooked up, but what I see is usually convenience and shit. I found my mate in my class, my job, on my bus, delivering my mail (I'm just fuckin' with Phoenix here), whatever.
You ain't neva been nowhere and the love of your life just happened to come where you are. That's a mighty big leap of faith. People settle all the time. I say just admit it. You gotta an ugly husband because he was the guy that came by when you were looking and he had a decent gig.
KZ
Dude yes I have issues. Maybe I need to talk about them on my blog. One of my issues is my obsession with reading blogs when I have 5 work days left before I leave on a two week business trip I haven't prepared for. I leave things to the last minute almost as if I'm testing myself and sometimes I think I set myself up to fail although I haven't yet I keep pushing the limits.
well for those in search of the perfect mate I suggest you all go down to local Home Depot or Lowes and MAKE ONE!
your match is simply that. don't like what you are attracting, well it's a reflection of you!
I'm bitter and jaded a would rather eat razors that admit that Perfection is monster that is never satisfied, something like desire!
is it settling for less or finding more in what you have? i think it's the latter. i mean, the girl might be a dog to you but he's found something in that sista that's more valuable than simply looks. he has found something within her that makes her beautiful in his eyes.
i think that's what buddist teaching is all about. finding beauty and worth in the simple things and not assuming what we see before us is just good enough for right now.
@Honest
Who here doesn't share that problem? We're in the same boat, mama.
@Miss Ahmad
I wouldn't say I'm looking for perfection in a person. I'm not even gonna lie and say I'm not superficial in many respects. I just don't like people try to sell me on the fact that they've found perfection and shit. If you found someone that's GOOD ENOUGH for you, that qualifier means you settled.
@Nikki
I know I come off as a kind of "bad guy" in this scenario, but this is one of the most genuine things I've ever written on this blog. Maybe it's just my circle, but I know I'm not the only one that feels the way I do.
That's exactly what I see that Buddhist principle teaching us. It's OK to be OK with what you have. I'm wrestling with that right now.
KZ
I assume you realize the absurdity of what you feel when you see happy couples...so I won't even tackle that. But you are convinced that you will never feel fulfilled or happy, not sure what exactly your words were. Well, THAT'S what I wanna know about. Something happened in your life to block your emotions in that way. A deep disappointment, or maybe feeing that something is out of your reach. So as you say, you're lazy. You dont wanna work for it...and I'm betting it's bec you can't face the possibility of being disappointed.
Son, I got therapy down to a science. lol Your honesty is always fun to read. What I can't figure out is if you want to change this or if you're satisfied with just being miserable?
I just don't like people try to sell me on the fact that they've found perfection and shit. If you found someone that's GOOD ENOUGH for you, that qualifier means you settled.
so does that mean that you have settled for being single, slightly lonely, and stuck with Carmel in Satan's Anus?
SON!!! what you done started over here with this post. Got So wise analyizing and shit. lol...
@So Wise
Bingo. I hate being disappointed so I'll fuckin' aim lower. Then I wanna kick myself because I'm holding on to something that I didn't want.
@Miss Ahmad
Yes.
Of course, I'm kidding! I don't want to fake "happiness" when I'm really just settling. When I decide I'm actually happy, I don't want it to be surrender. Satan's Anus ain't nearly good enough, but it is part of a two year plan (eleven months down). As horny as I am, Carmel still ain't good enough to call my ol' lady.
Loneliness comes and goes in waves.
KZ
@Slish
In this journey I'm the journal, she's the journalist. Am I eternal? Or an eternalist?
She's doing her thing and she's right.
KZ
P.S. That Soul Sample shit you hit me off with is FANTASTIC! I was losing my mind. Put together like a true crate-digger.
My Zed...well...how about just Zed, your down on love. Down on other poeple being in love. Defining for them what their love probably is or isn't about. Your down on finding someone to love, someone that will love you because all in all, you'll think she or you are settling. You don't want to get married but you want kids. You want in house pussy but none of the pussy that's running in and out your door now. You was in it, hated it and hate the person you had it with. So now your in a spot that is bullshit from every angle and your lonely.
That shit right there is fucking depressing. Stop with the fucking madness and go hang out with the "good" chicks and be friends because you don't want nothing but ass and you can pay for that with less hassle then the bullshit that keeps calling you, popping up at the job, emailing you or whatever else. You keep up with this plan and your gonna go fucking bonkers. Step away from the pussy, slowly back away from the egde of going-the-fuck-off and do the work that's gonna get you the fuck up outta SA.
lots of love to you.
@Dunt dunt duhhhhh
Ay, you think I can be celibate? I don't mean this forced shit I'm dealing with now (it's been 2 weeks), but real celibacy.
I'm almost willing to give it a try. I tried it once, when I fasted for a month (from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas). One week into it this chick that I had just started seeing (Robyn, you know who I'm talking about) decided she had to do me before she left town for the holidays.
Shit, I've been celibate longer that that lasted right now!
KZ
*dead* ....meeting your parents at your funeral.
whoa!
Slish...don't hate on my analysis. And you're next...in more ways than one. ;)
K-Hova... now that we've gotten that out of the way...are you at a point where you can articulate to yourself (I'm not asking you to tell us) what it is you really want? I have a feeling the answer is no...which means that's a pretty good place for you to start, sweetie pie. :)
@A.Marie
Yeah, that's her only possibility of meeting my peeps.
@So Wise
I really don't know what I want. That's my issue. I couldn't tell you.
KZ
Zed I knew you would like that cd. Only a true hip hop African would appreciate it. Thank Grantlove for that soul sample. I get my playlist from his website..check it out! Its Hot!!!
@ So wise I ain't scuurred...BRING IT NUCCA...btw the way you gotta couch I can lay on..lol
the thing that gets us in trouble is that we can't see into the hearts
and minds of others. we can assume and that shit gets us in trouble.
outside perceptions give us the most grief. and i'm speaking from
experience at the moment.
have i settled? yes. was i wrong for it? yes and no. yes, when the
person and situation didn't suit me. no, when i found the situation
pleasing to me. it's only when i look outside of myself i realized i
was settling. i've settled for mental and sexual gratification. was i happy? i'm still defining my happiness.
i'm one of those people (i'm discovering) that sets my bar mid-way. i've achieved all the goals i want and i'm not so easily dissapointed. i had someone tell me i should aim my shit higher. this person's goals are too lofty and grandiose in my opinion. he's hasn't attained shit. but who's wrong in this situation?
the desire for things isn't wrong. it's the things we desire that gets
us in trouble. sorry for the rambling...
@Slish
Well I gotta give the proper props to Grantlove, too!
@Aquababie
If you were mentally and sexually satisfied, were you settling? What was missing, loot?
I'm ultra ambitious in the sense that I want to achieve a lot except I want to do it with as little work as possible. When I meet ambitious women, they're obnoxious. When I meet women I whose personality I like, they're not ambitious. If I meet a woman with personality and ambitious, she can't fuck. It's always something.
KZ
Yeah, I am late as hell with this post....
I am SOOOOO FUCKIN mad at blogger because I had a GREAT comment and them bitches ERASED it! FUCKERS!
Anyway, when I met my signif. other, I know that I probably settled due to the situation that I had been in. Wanting something so badly from someone and not getting it, leaves you feeling a whole lot of something that you shouldn’t take into another relationship. I, however, have learned that there is nobody that is perfect. I have begun to appreciate what I have and love what I have. Perfect it is not, but it has potential to be great. Sounds Sad? not really. This is life. I could keep searching and looking for that unicorn or be realistic and realize that there will NEVER be that perfect person. NEVER. There are allllllllllllllways SOME faults in a person that you don't like. My ex’s Mom used to always tell us “do not let this go…..you two have something special that you don’t find every day”. I agree with her….I agree. But there were STILL things about my ex that I didn't like and that individual was about as CLOSE to perfect (for me) as I have ever come! That doesn't mean that I wouldn't have HATED something about that person if we had gotten married.....see what I'm saying?
But have you settled if in fact your mindset has changed and you really are HAPPY with something different? Example: If you always said you wanted to be a fireman as a little boy and then when you grow up, you become a carpenter, have you settled, because you CHOSE something different and because your wants changed? I don’t think so…..
Now, with respect to this:
I just don't like people try to sell me on the fact that they've found perfection and shit. If you found someone that's GOOD ENOUGH for you, that qualifier means you settled.
So, if you say you have found perfection, you are lying and have settled and if you found someone who is good enough for you, you have also settled. So, does that mean that the whole world has settled?
when i said mental and sexual gratification, sometimes they weren't in the same relationships.
@Nathan Quintilly
Since we just had this conversation, I'll put this on the blog.
Is the true definition of "maturity" the willingness to settle? I know I'm reasonably immature, so I think that definition may have merit.
I have no doubt most of the female bloggers believe I'm immature and an exception to the rule, but the male bloggers know (and are cool with) 10 dudes just like me.
So the short answer is this: The "mature" world HAS settled. The very essence of immaturity is the inability to "settle down".
@Aquababie
OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH! That makes sense. Never mind.
KZ
@Mack
Dude, I was seeing broke ass couples. Both of 'em without visible signs of wealth, from gear to rides. And one of 'em inevitably sucked!
I think we all do that to an extent.
I used to do the thing where I talked to the girl that "looked" most attainable. Then I would always here stories about the pretty chick being a freak after the fact. I hated being with the plain, conservative chick. So I started shooting for the stars. It's been good to me so far.
KZ
It's funny how men think we settle if who we have is not who they THINK we deserve...check this out...here are some thing to make you think:
Fine Chick/ugly dude - She could have a STANK attitude, be a gold digger or worse the town whore. Or she could have been with a fine dude at one time or another in the past that whooped the hell out of her. :| I think that when she if she was with a dude that used her as a punching bag well then she was settling.
Ugly chick/fine dude ~ He could have had some model looking chick in the past that was a straight gold digger who ran up his credit cards and got their house foreclosed on. She (fine chick) coulda been the type that worked but wouldn't contribute to the house. Ugly chick could be the chick that helped put him through school or just simply loved him for who he was not what he looked like or what he had. so with fine chick....he was settling.
Bottom line, you never know what kinda issues folks got on the INSIDE...*smh* look at Halle Berry. Can you say potential mental case.
@Newy
I agree. sweetie. I agree that you can't judge a book by its cover. I think it was Forrest Gump who said "Broads be like a box of candy and shit..."
It's always deeper than what we see.
KZ
is it something in the water, cuz lately all of the big pimps are getting all mushy on us, first we got insane talking about finding love and now we got you being mad at peeps who settled and who are happy.
i feel yah, it's hard to be satisfied when you are constantly looking at what you don't have and what others have. I tell myself everyday that even though i ain't rich, i am still very blessed cuz some peeps in my situation wouldn't have survived what i went through even with all the money in the world.
but if you don't want to laugh at all those who have settled by yourself, you can come to the chi and kick it with me...
why does 'less' equate ugly?
This is why I came to believe you're my brother from another mother.
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