Well, it's winter in North America, fuck what the calendar says. So that means one thing: I'm trying to find a suitable hat to wear on my big fuckin' head. It's hard to hat shop when you're cranially endowed. It's like having a giant casaba attached to your neck. Even if I shaved my hair off (which is forthcoming) my head is fuckin' too huge to buy a hat off the shelf. Right now, I'm wearing scullies. Scullies and suits? Uncool, brotha!
I checked out the ethnic haberdasher (a.k.a. Suit N!gga) in town and he flaked out like most of Satan's Anus does. I went and got sized for a custom brim, he took down the order, and he said he'd call me in a few weeks. I went back a few weeks later and he said "So you want me to order a hat for you?" "Dude, you measured me for a hat weeks ago. Didn't you place the order?" "I musta forgot." OK, Roy Jones, you win this round.
So now I'm running around looking like JFK and shit, all hatless and whatnot.
I checked out the ethnic haberdasher (a.k.a. Suit N!gga) in town and he flaked out like most of Satan's Anus does. I went and got sized for a custom brim, he took down the order, and he said he'd call me in a few weeks. I went back a few weeks later and he said "So you want me to order a hat for you?" "Dude, you measured me for a hat weeks ago. Didn't you place the order?" "I musta forgot." OK, Roy Jones, you win this round.
So now I'm running around looking like JFK and shit, all hatless and whatnot.
There are a few simple truths you must know about hats:
1) Any muthafucka that wears a cowboy hat anywhere other than a cattle ranch is an asshole. A certified, unredeemable asshole.
2) Any woman that wears a big hat anywhere but church or the beach is a bitch. A unsatisfiable uber shrew.
3) Unless you're under 30 or in one of those fancy hip-hop bands, there is no good reason to be walking around in a ball cap with an unbent brim.
4) For men, any hat that is not earth toned should not be worn. Period.
That's all I got.
Peace,
KZ
29 comments:
cranially endowed....niiiice
oh wait...your talking about the head on your shoulders...not the head...
aww, never mind.
be back later once the "endowed" part fades from my memory...so i can comprehend what this post was about.... hats? yeeeaaaaaa *hmph*
um ... why you wait until winter to shave your head? you better keep those locs in the event Roy Jones flakes on you again.
Are those rules an amendment to MAN LAW?!
Got dayum it....they should!
"unsatisfiable uber shrew"
I love it! HA! And, your girl over here is cranially endowed as well. The fact that I have so much hair doesn't help matters, either. I have been meaning to go hat shopping for the longest, procrastinatin on the difficult ish. I was unpacking more sh*t the other day and found my ice scraper. I was all geeked like, "Yessss!! I don't have to buy a new one!"
Why are you getting rid of the locs? Boo! That idea is terrible.
I love to see a black man under a nice brim. Not short men though - they should not wear hats. : )
hmmm....i dunno man.....black hats do HAVE their place..... :-)
still laughing at cranially endowed
@Blah
Why would that matter to you anyway?
@Chele
I gotta do it on my timetable, cold and all. Roy Jones gon' get popped.
@DL
Men shouldn't even have to write these laws down! They should just be adhered to.
@BZ
I think your head is mostly hair. Mine is mostly head.
@MizJJ
I'm going back to basics, that's all. It's time to simplify.
@Angie
Whaddya mean? I'm 4'3"!
KZ
You saved on an ice scraper at least. I gave mine to my ex.
@Robyn
I'd consider black hats earth toned. Adam's ass was black and God made him of dust and shit, right?
KZ
My only hat says "Team Huge Breasts". It's pink of all things.
I remember one day I bought a baseball cap. My lady at the time was like "why are you bending the brim on that brand new hat"..I laughed and just shook my head...
Everytime I see my boy Clipperman wear a baseball cap without the brim bent..I feel like snatching it of his head and slapping his old ass...Wait! I think I did cause he doesn't do it anymore..lol
*fainting* "Cranially endowed"
THANK YOU!!! @ 3...can you sell that to the rest of your species please?
Listen at you trying to be cute...you better put that hat on and quit tripping. I believe in wearing a hat...you gone mess around and get sick.
*sign* I know...I sound like my mama. I can't help it.
ok..i'm back.
hats? ok...ummmm....you should wear one.
it took me a while to find hats when my locs grew out. it was hell. but i love a man in hats. one of my ex-boyfriends wore hats religiously. he look good in them.
i wear cowboy hats, so i hope that comment was for dudes only :)
I don't look right in hats... I guess I'm the short man Angie was talking about.
And I only wear baseball caps when I need a haircut and I'm too lazy to get one, but it gotta be bent, you right about that.
be cute or catch pneumonia...you better slap that skullie on and keep it moving....o wait get one of those hats that the ol' men wear to church that they tilt to the side...no wait...I have never seen one of those hats on anyone with a big noggin...only a pea head LOL
"cranially endowed"
At least you're a man, it's ok to have a big head.
I'm so tired of looking for something to fit my big nugget, last year I bought a coat with a hood. *sigh*
@Stilts
I think that hat forgot the word "Captain", mama.
@Slish
I thought that shit was done when Shine got convicted. Them brims gotta be bent.
@Beauty
You'd think they'd know, but they don't know.
@TS
Yes, mom.
For the record, I do walk around like a damn clown in my scully and a suit.
@Blah
I know you just called me ugly, I just can't prove it.
@Aqua
Girls in cowboy hats are ready to fuck, soon.
@T Cas
You just eclisped the 30 year mark, so if you were a little ambivalent, that would be ok. Me and Slish cannot by any means sport an unbent brim.
Angie would have to meet my boy Pocket Pimp before she made that statement about short dudes and hats.
@Mack
I hadn't even thought about Brokeback! That's another good reason not to just wear one for the fuck of it.
@Newy
I got a big bodacious head. I need stretchable hats until I can get one custom made. There's not a lot of millinery being done for men. So I can't even give you a pic of a big head/big hat.
@OneFrom
Mama, if you got a big head, you wear it well. Shit, that's the last thing I noticed!
KZ
Who is this "Pocket Pimp" you speak of? LOL
No one by the name of Pockets could get a cut of my ass sellin' money!
I love hats!!! No matter the season...I think they are a sexy staple on men and women. A hat...NICE!
@Angie
My boy, The Pocket Pimp, would be an exception. He's only seen with tall beautiful women. He's immaculately dressed and full of Napoleonic rage. He is The Pocket Pimp. He'd steal your heart and take your loot!
@RD
I'm a hat fan too, once one fits. Not big hats, though! I'm a minimalist at heart.
KZ
So ... a cherry red cowboy hat with a burgundy and pink feather in the brim is out of the question? Even for a pimp? ROFLMAO.
Ha! If you came to Cali, where it's still 80 friggin' degrees, you would not NEED a hat.
And every man CAN'T wear a hat, so don't go encouraging sillyness. Have folk looking all silly and stuff.
the director of our division wears cowboy hats, cowboy boots, and a tuxedo jacket for all of our fancy events. he calls it his "cowboy tuxedo..." :-/
i feel you on the hats. especially with locs too. i have a lot of those knitted caps to rock 'cause at least that way, i can either tuck all of my hair inside or just leave it hanging down my back. either way, im warm AND im cute! ;-)
I'm dying here dude. Thanks for the rules on hat wearing. I'll venture out and say that NO one should wear a ball cap with an unbent brim. That's just me.
This post was so fitting for a penile slip. I just knew I would come across is before I got the comments section.
Have I lost you, oh fellow of dry, but hilarious filthy sexual innuendos?!!!
I'll await a pic of you in that hat...whenever it gets made.
Thanks for tha hat tips...*lol*
@Monica
There ARE no pimp fashion rules!
@Isha
If I came to Cali, I couldn't dress properly at all. You need fall, you know autumn, to sufficiently dress. All summer won't do.
@BTB
Your director is a homo.
I'm sick of all these gotdamn knit, fuckin' neo soul hats I got. I need something to wear with suits. On the weekends, I'm cool. It's the weekdays that are a problem.
@Honest
I'm with you on the nobody should wear an unbent brim, but I'm giving leeway. I'm an old fogey, and we had our "things" too. African medallions, anyone? Cross Colors?
I can let them have their thing as well.
@CC
I wanted to slip it in (hehehe), but I decided to let it go.
It's the lack of sex that makes my little sexual comments more pathetic than anything.
@Nika Boo
You always fly anyway. You gon' wear that hat in hot ass Dallas?
KZ
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