Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Munkeefood, Part 3: Fear of Success

Hey Killas, did ya miss me? I hope not. I've been spending the work week getting thoroughly immersed in otha folks problems. That shit has been soaking up my soul. I listen and I attempt to solve staff issues, but these niggas is just babies most of the time. Why do you give a fuck if that bitch don't like you? She's not your boss, you don't even have to interact with her on a professional level. Why bring it to the Director level? Idiots.

Mostly, this week got me ta thinking about this unbreakable tether tied to my ankle known as "the fear of success". That shit is as big a part of my makeup as anything. I've known forever that I'm good at everything that I try. Usually very good. I'm not bragging, it's just the way it is. But it hardly ever manifests itself into how good I'm willing to let people KNOW that I am. Let me explain: If you see me do well, you'll be expecting it over and over. That brings pressure, which causes me to worry, which I do a lot of anyway. That's why I'm reluctant to do well publicly. The spectre of expectations looms ominously in the background.

Now I know what y'all niggas are saying. You're saying "Zed, that's some ol' loser shit." Well munkees, I'm saying "Kiss my ass!" I half ass almost everything I do (I said "almost everything" ladies, so don't worry) with better results than most people that really try. I'm afraid of what would happen if I really went "balls out" and did something spectacular. Then, the world would beat a path to my door. Niggas, do not come to my door. I hate that shit.

There's always comfort in failure, too. If I fail, I can feel solace in the fact that I didn't try hard in the first place. That, my friend, is some loser shit. But I can own up to it.

One day I know that I'll be considered the cream of my profession and it won't take a lot of effort. It's honestly a waste of a gift and I hate myself for it. I could be doing so much more. That's just one more part of me that I recognize and that I'm trying to improve.

Make Peace Not Whore,


Chubby Chocolate said...

Deep down, most of us are like that, but don't have the balls to admit it (I'm raising my hand in the air)...I'm one of them.

Disco said...

yeah *rasing my hand* I am guilty too..... food of the munkee's indeed......we have fed on it for too long Zed....nahmean?

brooklyn babe said...

I can TOTALLY relate, the more ppl depend on you, the more they put you in that SUPERhuman catagory (which you secretly liked to be anyways) but there's always something that happens that reminds you, where all human.

So Rock that shit! Wha waiting 4?!?!

Butterfly Jones said...

I couldn't have expressed it better myself. Because then people would have recognised the brilliance in me that I try to keep in the DL. You failed to hide it munkee. Excellent.

Melle Mel said...

I love your honesty ZED... Wait a minute, are you half assing this blog too?

Insaneblackwoman said...

I loved that post, nigga! But, don't be afraid to go all the way with something. Just step right up and put your "stank" on that shit -whatever it is. Don't be dimming your own light just because some other loser muthafucka is afraid to see you shine, nigga! We have a saying in the 'hood: "Don't hide it, divide it"! And that goes for all you munkees, too, because I think that if we don't let out lights shine, then how we gone see in the dark, huh?

Chubby Chocolate said...


Organized Noise said...

I could have written that post myself. I have a matching pair of tethers. One is the "fear of success" that you talked about and the other is "false contentment". I force myself to be happy with my job because I am scared to move on. I need to get these shakles off my feet so I can dance.

toneec42 said...

What brutal honesty. You know what? You're absolutely right - once they know how good you are they will expect you to do your magic all the time. But you know what? You can always say "no." That's what I'm learning to do.

Knockout Zed said...

@ Kee-Kee, but really to everybody:

Like most people on this thing, I'm a frustrated writer. This blog is actually the one thing I'm not half assing. It's my way to keep a journal and have fun doing it. It's really notes for the book. How long has it been for me and this book, Robyn?


sj-the-infamous said...

Eons ago I had a post about
mediocrity and what it gets you. I feel ya on this. I am always amazed at the kudos I get for half-assed effort so I am like why bother really showing out?

One day, I'll do better, but now...let me sleep on it HA!

Blah Blah Blah said...

success is over-rated...stick to mediocre and life is sweeet. no stress....;-)

hey you!