Quid Pro Quo

Say y'all, how's it hangin'? Lean and mean I hope. I just got back from the Metro area, doing my thing, checking out "Thelma". It was a quality control thing. It let me remember the shit I'm used to instead of the shit I'm actually getting in Satan's Anus.

I forgot about the fuckin' home improvement projects I end up embarking on when I'm at her house. It's always something. It was painting last time I was there, now it's yard work. Women always tend to do this to men. Pack mule 'em when they get a guy over to the crib so they can get something for the "put out". Good ol' fashioned quid pro quo.

Thelma told me she's got a problem with my arrogance. It's not the first time I've heard this, but it's the first time I ever heard it from her. It's probably better that I just keep it movin' and not think ultimately I'll end up with her.

Over the fucking weekend I got 16 calls from Batshit. 16. From Friday night to Sunday morning. Voicemails like "I miss you. When can I see you?" I can't wait to leave this fucking place. I got a love hate relationship with the "D" but I'd definitely take that over this assbox.

I'm meditating today. Trying to focus and be ready for the week.

Be,
KZ

If Ballsacs Had Nostrils

Say hey, Munkeelitos! This day has been really fucked up! Extremely fucked up! And I can't really event go into details. Some shit y'all just can't know. I'll let you in on a little of this shit.

The women in my office are going haywire. They beefin'. Tough. They fucking hate each other and are at each other's throats. Guess who's gotta stop the age old feuds and shit like a backwoods Farrakhan? Yep, ya boy ol' Knockout. One secretary hates another secretary because she's getting over by finagaling an office. Another secretary somehow got a handicapped permit and gets to park in the pay lot for free (how dare that arthiritic kneed bitch!) and the other one's are hating. One receptionist has gotten siddity and high falutin' since she got that fancy fuckin' degree from Satan's Anus University. It's all one big melange of bullshit, my nigga.

So I'm the nigga dealing with all the emails, snide remarks, the abuse of position and any other shit they can think of. On top of having a million meetings to go to and listen to whitey sing the blues. Half long, twice strong muthafuckas. Brevity. Conciseness. Unheard of concepts. Shut the fuck up you half witted ass-drone.

I went to this Young Professionals networking gig at the little art museum here with Jayne Kennedy. Instead of being able to get to know her better, she brings her girl with her. A gotdamn buffer. You rotten bitch. Anyway, I'm there with two beautiful women which does me not fucking good. No other black women there, so I got a monopoly. Her girl, as I've stated, is a dime. She got a man too. So I'm listening to these chicks talk about their men. Where's the fucking exit? I had been taking classes from 6:30 pm to 9:30 pm on Thursday nights. I blew it off to come check out JK and this is the shit I get? I didn't invite her to this shit, she invited me. "I don't want to be there alone." I chilled for a while then I left and caught half the class. I wash my hands of that 'ho.

When I came back from class, I called Batshit. She was sounding down. "What's the matter with you?" "I'm about to be 33 and I don't have a baby." "Yo, I'll call you back." That's the very last thing I fuckin' wanna hear. I ain't havin' that discussion, not tonight and not with her.

I don't like dwelling on shit I could've done better, but I made a major mistake recently and I can't take it back. That shit is compounded on all this other little shit. I'm not gonna dwell on if and buts. Shit, if ballsacs had nostrils, fragrant nuts would be the norm. But that's not the case.

Keep Risin',
KZ

There's No "i" In "Buttfuck"

Hey niggas, just reloadin' and shit. I went to lunch today with the Deputy City Manager. She's a black woman, extremely professional. Good ass person. If I ever descend into the dark cavernous abyss of Beelzebub (i.e., get married) again, it would be to a woman like that. Real sharp and shit. Hannibalette (that's what I'm calling her) asked me to lunch because she found out I was friends (and frat brother) to her favorite nephew. So we kicked it.

She squoze (is that a word) me for every drop of information on my department she could. The inside scoop. I did the same from her on a citywide basis. Her insight was amazing. She let me know where all the pitfalls would like and who I was likely to clash with. Hannibalette told me to watch out for the fall of Poppins, 'cuz she always wears out her welcome very quickly. She told me I should be running my department in a matter of months because my boss has a distaste for the day to day dealings (shit, so do I !!!).

Hannibalette also told me that she wants to retire soon. "You should be readying yourself to step into my shoes", she said. Fuck that, I'm going to the Big fucking Apple, I thought. But I listened politely. The one thing she did that was invaluable was to run down every there who has fucked black people over every chance they've gotten. Some were crackas I suspected that hate niggas, others flew under the radar. It was a good long list. I made a note of it but by no means did I think it was comprehensive.

She also gave me a heads up on HR. "Don't tell them any shit you wanna keep personal. They talk to everybody about everything." I figured as much, I don't trust HR muthafuckas in general (right, shemunkee?).

The bottom line is to watch out for the fuckin', 'cuz it's-a-comin'.

But you all knew that, didn't you?
KZ

Unfounded Arrogance

Hey Kids, what's shakin'? I'll try to follow up last night's/this morning's ramblings with some coherence. Do any of y'all know an extra patriotic muthafucka? I don't necessarily mean black, and I don't necessarily mean toward America. Just a muthafucka completely down for his/her country of origin? What about a braggin' muthafucka that might flex on how much dough his/her family got? Or a broad who always talks about her "husband" like the nigga don't have a name? I'm talking about unfounded arrogance, puffin' out ya chest over shit you really have no control over.

Why the fuck walk around "proud" because an incidental thing, like where ya moms pussy was when you was born happened to be in America? On NYC? Or LA? Or Cleveland? Niggas, you had nothing to do with it. Where's the pride in that? Stop boasting, bitch.

What about the nigga who hasn't done SHIT and his mother/father is a doctor or some shit like that? Do you know this nigga? 'Cuz I know about a dozen of these jackasses. Niggas that will inherit money someday, but haven't done shit to earn their own keep. I grew up in a two parent home. A lot of my friends didn't. Should I be proud because my daddy didn't leave my momma? Why? Is that shit brag worthy? I didn't have shit to do with it. I've heard niggas brag about the fact that they're parents are still together. What the fuck did you have to do with that?

I know women who exasperate their single girl friends. Every word out of their mouths is "My husband is this...my husband is that." Trust me, that broad knows that nigga's name. She probably fucked him before you did. Just say his fucking name. My ex-wife used to do that shit. I'd ask her to stop showing out. Just say my name. She thought I was overreacting, but according to women I know, that shit is kinda showy. They likely only do that to their single friends, too. What are you gonna call him when he leaves you for that big titty broad in Accounting? "That nigga Jerome", that's what.

You got a big ass? Genetics, likely. A big dick? Genetics, again. Petite? Likely genetics. Seven feet tall? It's in the genes muthafucka.

Read a gotdamn book. Exercise your fucking mind. Show some will power. Improve yourself. Identify things you'd like to change about yourself and change them. But for goodness sake, stop bragging about stuff you had no control over. Get a fucking life and stop imposing your mediocre ass personality on the rest of us.

Improve Your Mind, Nigga,

KZ

Up Without Smoke

What's up Hottentots? I'm tired as fuck, but I'm not sleepy. I can't sleep. I was lying in bed just thinking about shit and I had to get up. I wish I could smoke. Yeah, I smoke occasionally, but just Djarums and shit. I actually feel like getting lifted. I haven't "smoked" since my wedding day.

I got married in Negril, Jamaica on December 24, 2000. It rained most of the week I was there. Me and my best man bought some stuff on the beach one night. We smoked it 3 hours before my wedding. That was one of the stupidest things I'd ever done in my life. We got so high we were giggling like little girls and shit for the next 3 hours. That nigga's nose started bleeding onto his white shirt as my wife started walking down the aisle. As we were reciting our vows, I actually had to fight an urge to run at full speed into the Carribean Sea. Needless to say, that was a fucking precursor to things to come.

I don't really have shit to talk about but I felt like blogging and shit. I'll be a little conversational. E.T. was texting me all fucking day long. About little shit. I talked to Jayne Kennedy on the phone for about 40 minutes and shit. Feeling her out. It was unproductive. Batshit is in her rare ass form. She invited me out for coffee after work. She's as beautiful as she is crazy, so you know she's a dime. She spent a lot of time talking about her favorite subject: money. I hate that shit. I'm always broke, but I hate talking about money to people. Can you tell it's late for me? Friday I went to the dermatologist and she insisted on going with me. What the fuck was that all about? Bonding? Fuck that.

Did I tell y'all about the Training Specialist in HR? I don't think I did. It was a little embarrassing. This chick is like a 40 year old white woman. Anyway, the day I went home to Detroit, the week before last, she called me in the office and asked me out to dinner. Now, what kind of arrogance have black men given to white women to make them believe that we'd take any piece of shit broad out because her skin is white? This broad is old looking and used up looking. Anyway, I declined. I saw her when I got back at Target. I was there trying to replace toiletries and shit that got stolen. I only had two things in my basket at the time: 2-twelve packs of Magnum condoms.

She stopped to talk to me and shit and she kept looking in the basket. I honestly forgot what I had in the basket until she walked away with a stupid look on her face. I felt like an ass. Do you think she'll leave me alone now?
What the fuck ever.

Anyway, I'm about to go watch ATHF.

Peace out niggas,
KZ

Ass Scratchin'

Hey y'all, what gives? As the title implies, I'm not doing a damn thing worth mentioning. I am however observing a situation that bears noting. The staff here is overwhelmingly white, which I've mentioned before. There are about 7 black employees here (not counting myself) out of 56 total in the department. And there is a feeling by the black employees that they are not given as much leeway when SNAFUs or FUBARs happen. So they sulk and piss and moan.

This little town is a liberal island in the midst of conservative thought. They've had a history of racial flare ups that they've sought to solve as opposed to bludgeoning black folks into submission. So I gotta give these hicks a little credit with that. What they don't see from the management end is that I see these cats bending over backwards to diffuse shit black folks have started. Shit that would be fireable offenses every where else I've ever worked. They exercise zero tolerance for white people, wide assed berths for black people. At least that's what I've seen in the little time I've been here.

The union guy that represents the staff level employees comes to me. He's black. He tells me I gotta do a better job in looking out for black people that work for me. I listen to this nigga, right? Let him finish his spiel. Then I lay into this muthafucka. "If it was up to me the rules would be laid out equitably for everyone. No one is above rules agreed upon by the union and management. If we were to follow those rules, we probably wouldn't have any black employees. You need to stress professionalism to all of your members across the board."

This cat was livid. Accused me of being every type of sellout in the book. What this idiot failed to realize is that (1) I'm definitely going to look out for black people every chance I get. It's in my makeup, no matter how much shit I talk to the contrary. (2) What the fuck do I look like givin' this nigga ammunition to throw up in my face when he's got a union ax to grind and he's talking to white folks in administration? "Zed told me he'd look out for us." That ol' nigga!

Bottom line is most of these cats do be (I said "do be") fuckin' up. From coming in late as fuck, to extending their lunch hour and going home to get dick and/or pussy (and coming back smelling like it!), to wearing low cut shit cut down to their navels, to re-selling city provided perks (parking passes, etc.). These muthafuckas try it all and we accommodate them.

I'm a pretty conservative thinking nigga (I said "conservative" NOT "Republican"). If it was up to me these cats would be, at the extreme, fired, or at the least, made to go to professionalism training or something. But they will understand, if it's between my job and your job, nigga, it's your job!

Ease Back,
KZ

The Innateness of True Self

The Weekend At A Glance

Yo folks, what's happening? I just came back from the movies. I saw "A History of Violence". I know cats are supposed to derive a deeper meaning from the movie, but trust me I didn't. Fuck depth, that shit was fun to watch. The only thing that caught me as having any weight was that when a crisis arises, we revert back to the shit we know best. The shit that comes natural to us.

Anyway, I'm fucking rolling solo 'cuz I'm dodging women. Last night I was out with Poppins and E.T. at this bar. A really white bar except for the occassional sista strolling through and the occassional brotha with his white chick. I didn't see one black couple. I was drinking Guiness and talking shit all night. Man, was I drunk. Poppins and E.T. were having a contest to see who could tie the most cherry stems together with their tongues. They asked me to try, but I declined. "I can't find the clit on a cherry stem, so why bother?" When the evening was winding down, I walked to my car with these women following me. "Let's do this, let's do that." I was fucking tired. I just wanted to sleep. So I left and I slept Friday night away.

I told Batshit that I had a friend coming into town to see me. She was pissed. At least she kept saying she was pissed. She told me to move on and then she got pissed when I was telling her I did. Eggy told me she was coming to town this weekend, too. I told her I had a friend coming into town to see me so that wouldn't work. She was bothered by that. I can't blame her, I guess.

Of course, that shit's a lie. There is no friend coming to town this weekend, but no one wants to accept that I just want a drama free weekend for once. I wanna fucking be alone and I think that the first time it's really been that way since I've been here. So the crisis arose and I went back to what I know best: lying to women. It's been a good weekend so far.

Wordsworth

Do you many heterosexual black men that use the word "supper" on a regular basis? "Hey baby, I'm starving. What's for supper?" Shit, or black women for that matter? It's a pretty gay ass word, but if you heard it come out of a white man's mouth you wouldn't give it a second thought. This white guy was talking to me the other day about some shit he saw on TV. He said the that the shit was funny, but he didn't say it like that. "I'm telling you man, it was a hoot." A hoot? What type of bitch are you? A hoot? You fuckin' homo!

The reason for me bringing this shit up is I'm trying to compile a list of words like this and get brothers to use them in conversation to gauge the reaction of people. It's a little social experiment for a bigger purpose. Please give me as many of these words as you can. I'd appreciate it.

Hiding Out Like Salman Rushdie (circa 1994),
KZ

Education Means Nothing

Hey y'all. I was reading an article the other day about Fantasia from American Idol and her struggle with illiteracy. Actually the struggle is with literacy, 'cuz illiteracy is in charge! Anyway I'm here to tell ol' Boot Mouth, formal education don't mean shit. Ig'nant muthafuckas with degrees proliferate.

I was on a date with E.T. last night. We went to the Olive Garden. Yeah, I know, but this passes for upscale italian food in the boonies. We're sitting down and the waiter comes up and asks for our drink orders. E.T. tells ol' boy she'd like some Pinot Grigio. Sounds cool, right. Hell naw, she pronounces it Pee-NOT Gree-JOE. I start laughing and shit, 'cuz I think she's being funny. She was dead serious, looking at me like "why are you laughing?". So I said, "You must be a connoisseur, hunh?" She was like "Yeah, I always be throwin' wine tastin' parties and stuff."

The rest of the night she was talking about her gig, her friends and family, and her MAN (I'll get to this). Let me tell you all something you might not know about me: I stay on an anti-bullshit crusade. This broad was talking about her "playmama" (WTF? older woman she admires, maybe?) and her "godsisters" (not even close to a church sanctioned designation) and her "playcousins" (friends?). I abhor that shit. It makes you sound like a fucking 10 year old. I would say that this is a major reason I don't regularly date women under 30, but that would lead you to the assumption that women over 30 don't talk about this same dumb shit. This chick has a B.S. in Biology and a M.A. in Education. Them degrees don't buy you shit in the way of actual intelligence or sophistication.

Anyway, she starts talking about her man, this dude she met online from Chicago. She's been kicking it with him for a few months. Actually I would have been upset had I liked her at this point, but I just rolled with the flow. What I take to be the gist of this situation is that the dick is a little too far away and she wouldn't mind if I picked up some of the slack (pun intended, yardies). She didn't put it on the table like that but, shit, she asked me out, I didn't ask her out. She didn't want me to leave that cold ass restaurant (judging by her nipples, it was damn cold!). E.T. extended that date as long as she could. But I jetted as soon as I could.

The bottom line is I think she's a bit of a "gump". I'm not feeling her, but the colder it gets here, the more likely it is that I'll hit. That's the story.

Viva Fantasia,
KZ

Things Can Only Get Better

I am a child of 80's pop music. I'm a fan of music that a hardcore nigga should get slapped for even knowing about. I came up on Human League, Duran Duran, Thomas Dolby, ABC, a whole host of soft soap assed music that niggas in my hood let me know was unacceptable. One of my favorite artists during this period was Howard Jones. He had a few hits, one of the most notable was "Things Can Only Get Better". This song has been running through my head all night. I think I know why.

Scene 1
Yesterday I went to lunch with a bunch of people including E(xtra).T(itties)., the chick from that dinner thing I went to last week. Afterwards, as people were leaving, she and a friend of hers stuck around kicking with me about investments. Just chatting and shit. Then it's like she and her girl are tag-team interviewing me. My likes, dislikes, who I'm dating, what I do for fun, stuff like that. I'm being kinda blunt with them. I can't explain why but I was saying some off the cuff shit. "Man, my credit is fucked up. I ain't investing in shit. I love easy women. Leave the hard work for smooth niggas." Just talking shit. As we were leaving, ET asked if I'd like to go out for drinks tomorrow after work. I said cool and the date was made.

Scene 2
I was working on a document for staff yesterday when I got an incoming e-mail from Jayne Kennedy. I had no contact with her since we went to lunch that day. She was inviting me to an art exhibit/young professionals networking event next week. I emailed her back, "It's ok if you just wanna go out with me. I won't tell. We don't have to act like it's just a networking event." She emails back, "You're so silly. :-) I just want someone I know to be there." Folks, I'm the muthafuckin' stranger in town. She's from here and lived here all her life. You don't think she could've gotten someone else to go with her so she wouldn't be alone? I wrote back, "I'll go, but only so I can see you." "I'll see you Thursday!" she responded. Is she just using me to look like she got a date? Probably, but that won't be the first or last time someone underestimated my determination to get into their pants. You just started some shit I gots ta finish JK!

Scene 3
Batshit got back from Asia yesterday so I went to check her out. We kicked it, went to Mongolian Barbeque (to give her flashbacks of her trip) then when back to her crib. A little relaxing, a little lingerie, a little massaging, and a lotta fucking ensued. After we finished, she told me she couldn't keep trying to separate the sex from her emotions. She said that it was putting her in a bad place spiritually and that was the last time we'd have sex. I said "OK" and fell asleep. She woke me up twice to ask me how come I wasn't more upset. I told her, I said "Batshit, " cuz that what I calls her, I says "Batshit, we knew it would come to this. I told you a long time ago we were incompatible. You know we're incompatible. Why try to fight it? This wouldn't work out long term anyway. " I slept horribly for 3 hours and got up to go home.

Epilogue
All in all, yesterday was a damn good day. I got two potentials and a bad seed might be off my team. It's definitely better than my weekend.

Y'all Keep It Clean For Me Next Time,
KZ

What's In A Name?

Hey peoples? This post is sooooo lightweight it'll blow away in a stiff breeze. I'm sick of talking to my boss about where my budget shit is, to my cell phone company about getting a new phone, to my bank about stopping payment on a series of checks, and to the auto glass people who are late coming to my job to fix my window. My shit is gone and I'm sick of talking about it. So I'ma do what most bloggers do: talk about a pet peeve.

My shit's not really a peeve, it's a piss. I don't get peeved, I get pissed. So my pet piss for today is non-evocative names. I mean names that don't call to mind a damn thing. I hope I don't offend any of y'all, but then again you don't pick your own name so why get offended?

The shit I hate is a name like Gary. What the fuck? Is that a strong man's name? No, it's just a name. Gary. It's pussy as all get out. Kyle is another one. Kyle. Is Kyle coming to rescue you? Nope. Kyle is too busy sucking his lover's dick.

There are a gang of them: Joel, Josh, Jayce, and that's just the damn Js. These names are nonstarters. You don't know what the fuck you're gonna get when you see that name written down. I guess some people like that bland shit but it's a cowardly assed way to name your seed.

I'm not calling them soft names. At least a man named Stacy, Tracy or Leslie makes you think of something. You think, this cat may be soft. But I guarantee a nigga with any of those names is either really soft or really hard. It won't be some ol' noncommittal shit like you'll get with Jayce. A nigga like Gary will stay out of your way and not bother anybody. A nigga named Carol will crack your fucking skull just for looking at him.

I'mma name my seed something offensive or something deep and shit. Either O.J. or Ghandhi.

And that's my little non sequitur. I'll go back to the usual staples of office politics and sex tomorrow.

Peace,
KZ

When Bad Things Happen To Bad People

Say niggas, what's percolatin'? I'm back from Detroit earlier than I expected, once again. It's always something in that muthafucka that I idealize when I'm away and then when I'm back I'm like "Now I remember why I fuckin' left". I got there Friday night and my fuckin' nerves were on edge. Everything seemed busier and faster than I was used to. It was very chaotic. I had a bad feeling almost from jump. I was born and reared in that city, I had never been like that before. I felt I was getting too used to this pastoral setting out in the boonies. I told myself to toughen up and shake it off.

I went to see the Dreadlady. As usual, she was looking good, wearing tight shit. I relaxed and sat back, watching a rerun of the BET Comedy Awards. I really fucking hate awards shows. I hardly ever watch them and I was reminded why on Friday. They are a cultural barometer. Our "culture" is base and anti-intellectual. But that's the subject for another blog. Dreadlady's ass was bangin'.

She stood on the side of me. I grabbed the ass with one hand. "You been workin' out?" I asked. She gently brushed my hand away. "Why you playin'. You know you wanna fuck me." "And all you wanna do is fuck" she rightfully replied. I continued to try to paw her as she was working on my hair. It was around 11:00 pm when she finished. Dreadlady was about to go clubbing with some friends of hers so went upstairs to get ready. I told her I'd wait to walk out with her. When she came down she was looking fantastic. I started hugging her and kissing on her neck. She began to grind against me. My dick was getting harder. She sat down and moved her dress around her waist. I started playing with the pussy, kissing her and shit. She asks me to pull out my dick and I oblige. She's stroking it and telling me she's GOT to sit on it. Right then, her girl pulls up in the driveway and blows her horn, all ghetto fantastic and shit. She gets up to leave and says to me "I wanna see you when I leave the club." I'm like cool, call me. And I jet over to KeKe's crib, 'cuz she let me crash while she was out kickin' it. KeKe is the shit!

So that night at around 3:00 am while I'm sleeping on KeKe's couch and the phone is ringing. It's Dreadlady. I look at the phone and lay back down.

The next morning when KeKe got back we kicked it a little bit and I left to pick up my boy Three so we could go to the Black Alumni tailgating function. I grabbed my stuff and left, just in case I ended up in a different place to crash Saturday night. Me and Three got there and it was a cornucopia of bitches and whatnot in the place. I was in my element. Loving it. I got to see a bunch of my people including Twin and in general had a good time. I even finished up some unfinished business with a woman I'll call "The Lean". It was productive as fuck.

When me and Three left the spot I was feeling as good as I'd felt in a long time even thought the wrong team won. I got to my car and had a sick ass feeling. Bluey was sitting there with the driver's side window bashed in. All my shit was gone, cell phone, digital camera, overnight bag, briefcase, gone. All I could do is shake my head. It's broad fucking daylight on a busy street and just like that my wealth was redistributed.

I went to file a police report with the slow assed,non-essential Detroit Police Department, dropped Three off, and left town. Wind in my fucking face, back to safe, sound Satan's Anus. Happily.

Will Someone Please Steal This Car?
KZ

Monster

Hey Kids, what's up? I've had a little time to separate myself from the JK situation and make a few decisions on that, which I'll talk about a little later. But I've also had the opportunity to think about what makes me so different here than back home. I think it comes down to an very simple dynamic.

In Detroit, I had a mediocre gig with some real perks, but no REAL loot. I had a lot of female companionship all of the time. Old shit, new shit, but I always had this cadre of broads to choose from. And everything was cool.

In Satan's Anus, I have a very good gig with not too many perks, making significant loot. I have hardly any female companionship. Everything sucks.

If I could ever get a situation where both the social and the career path were working for me, I'd be a muthafuckin' monster. I don't believe that there would be any stopping me. My fuckin' ego would run amok. I'd be the most arrogant muthafucka you'd ever know.

I think that's what stopping me from having it all. God, the cosmos, whatever you want to believe, is allowing me to learn and accept humility. I won't have what I believe to be "it all". Never. Not until I can actually handle it. So now is the time to get a grip and be O.K. not being "the man". I have to be happy to be < (less than) in some instances. This weekend I'm going home. I have to get re-twisted so I'll be seeing Dreadlady who'll offer me the ass. I'll be going to a black alumni function for my University, so that'll be a fuckin' harem reunion. I'll get ass thrown at me from a thousand different directions tonight. I can honestly say I don't think I'll let my ego get in my way. I can release that need to be constantly reaffirmed that I'm the shit. I think I can just say no to broads I don't wanna fuck.

I also think that I'll continue to pursue JK. I'll be measured with my pursuit, but I'll still let her know I'll be around in case that bastard slips. In the meantime, I probably gonna "twist" that broad from that free meal thing I went to.

I'll keep y'all niggas apprised of the situation.

Keep Bloggin',
KZ

Your Boy Catches an "L"

"My girl's a grown woman/she ain't gettin' her Eagle on/she'd rather be in the bed/tryin' to get her Kegel on" -Phonte from Little Brother, "Say It Again" on The Minstrel Show.


Hey niggas, what da deal is? Man, I'm fucking sick. Sick to my stomach. I just left lunch with Jayne Kennedy. We met at this upscale downtown restaurant. I got there first. I asked to be seated on the atrium facing the entrance. She came in looking fucking outstanding. Tall, beautiful, titties and hips and shit all coming at me. She's smiling, just fucking beautiful.

When JK sat down we immediately started a lively conversation about the culture shock I must be experiencing. She grew up here in Satan's Anus, so she's pretty used to the slow ass pace and lack of black people. Her only escape was when she went away to college (we went to the same university. She started the year I finished so we totally missed each other). She got dragged back by family obligations. So we begin to talk about situations.

She asks if I've ever been married or if I have a girlfriend. I say yes, I've been married and divorced. No I don't have a woman currently. She says yes, she's been married and divorced too. But yes she has a new boyfriend, who she's been with 11 fucking days.

If you know me a little bit by now, you know this, I don't give a fuck if she has a man. This is my issue: because the relationship is so new, it'll be harder to fucking sabotage. Them fucking endorphins are still intact. If she'd been with this nigga a year or so, I could slip in and fuck. He'd be none the wiser, except for how much more room they'll be in the pussy after me! hehehe

The one thing on my side is that this shit is long distance. That nigga lives....drumroll please...IN DETROIT! Unless that nigga's dick stretches across the state, I might be able to get over.

So she sees that I'm disappointed. I can't even fucking fake it. I had some shit riding on this, like my whole muthafuckin' winter in this hellbox. JK says "Well at least let me introduce you to some of my friends". I say "I don't wanna meet your friends. I'm interested in you". WTF?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water here, but I'm about to lose my fucking Player Card. As a matter of fact, if any officials from Player, Inc. read this blog, they might be calling to revoke it soon.

JK says "I have friends that are so much more accomplished than I am and they are beautiful women". I say "If I go out with them I have absolutely no chance to ever hook up with you. That shit's over." I continue, "I'll tell you what, if you and this cat are still together in 1 year, I'll met your girls. Otherwise, if you break up with him before 1 year's time, you gotta give me the first opportunity to date you." She's smiling and shit, "O.K. I can do that." I'm fucking pitiful, grasping at straws and shit. It was fucking absolutely embarrassing.

I left a defeated man. I'm embarrassed to even see her around after that shit. I was desperate and completely uncool. And now sick to my stomach.

Nauseously Yours,
KZ

Lick The Cabals

Say kids, how's tricks? Good I hope. I'm just trying to keep my head above water, enjoying the first good nights sleep I've had since moving to this hunk of compost. When I woke up everything was right with the world. Then I remembered that murderer's row of meetings I had planned for today. All of a sudden, it's not so rosy.

I'm not really a conspiracy theorist. At least not anymore. I used to be hella paranoid, but now, I pretty much take shit at face value. If it walks like a bitch and talks like a bitch, guess what? But being here in this place and time, I'm starting to put more stock in this idea of cabals, that is little conspiratorial groups plotting to move forth an agenda. I see them muthafuckas at work on the daily.

We got p-dub (short for P.W. T. or poor white trash) cabals, white women cabals, black women cabals, management (which is basically white men) cabals, and divisional cabals. All these different interest groups are vying for my attention and trying to get me to rule in their favor surrounding some disagreement or another. I don't give a fuck about people trying to lobby me, it's their perogative. It's the reaction of the other groups when I do make a decision. The ripple effect is fierce. The way one group steps up their performance when a decision favors one of their own and the way another group starts to make a lot more mistakes when a decision doesn't go their way. I'm used to seeing shit like this on an individual basis, but damn, these folks got some serious solidarity going on here.

I think this shit is an offshoot of having no fucking life. Groupthink sets in when a muthafucka lives in an echo chamber hearing their own ideas come back at them from different mouths and shit. When your job is your life, everything and everybody there has an increased importance.

When I come to work everything and everybody looks like a stepping stone. Give me one good opportunity and I'm out this bitch. I had to turn down a phone interview for this job out in Cali because my schedule was too tight here. Why was it too tight? Because these muthafuckas had in house conflicts, so I had to meet with a hundred niggas in a short time span to get this shit settled. They musta knew I was trying to jet! It's all a fucking conspiracy!

On The First Thing Smoking,
KZ

P.S. I gotta a lunch date with Jayne Kennedy tomorrow. Wish me fuck!

Zed Got A Bed

Unrelated quote from Hip Hop's Golden Age
On the end of my chinny chin chin sits black hairs/string by string I think I counts five pairs - "Peachfuzz" by KMD

What's happening GorillaClan? It's ya boy, KZ, looking to turn his luck around. I took my car to the shop yesterday. I found out the first mechanic I took it to tried to gouge the fuck outta me. He told me that I had a blown head gasket and the repair would cost $2400. Then I went to other mechanics that estimated that a head gasket repair wouldn't cost more than $1500. Finally, I took it to one of the other mechanics who told me I'd been misdiagnosed. I had a intake manifold issue that would cost me $450. I dodged a bullet on that one.

So I was feeling pretty good about myself. I decided to call Jayne Kennedy. I left her a message and realized that I forgot to leave my callback number. Stupid! So now I gotta wait to call her again and remember to leave the digits if I have to leave a message. In the meantime, I can honestly say I kinda miss Batshit. I guess it's really a matter of not having anyone to "play" with as opposed to missing her crazy ass.

You know how you put your business card in one of those bowls at a restaurant to win a free lunch? You know how you find out that that shit is a scam for a financial consulting group to call and harrass you at work? Well, I stupidly dropped my card in a bowl and "won" one of those lunches for 15 people. So you know I don't know anyone here, right? So I'm asking staff if they'd like to go and hear this spiel. A few takers, but not 15. So I talk to "Poppins" who has a huge stable of eligible female friends. I ask her if any of her girls would be interested. She gives me a woman's name and number and asks me to call her to see if she'd like to come. I feel this is a little awkward, but I call anyway. We talk on the phone, I tell her I work with Poppins and invite her to this lunch. She tells me she also got roped into this shit with the free meal and hers is tonight. She invites me and of course I have to accept.

I get to the restaurant with these 14 strangers, we introduce ourselves and I meet ol' girl. She's o.k. looking, dressed nice with a low cut top and some huge ass titties. So now I'm interested. We listen to a five minute presentation from the financial advisor who then leaves, and we are left to chill and eat. It's actually a pretty good way to get friends together to eat for free. To make a long story short, when I finally left after about 2 hours of getting to know all the people I ate with, I shook ol' girl's hand. "Remember to come out to my lunch on the 4th, o.k.?" She holds my hand, "Maybe we can do lunch before then?" She's smiling. So now I gotta fuck her.

In the meantime, today I take delivery on a BED. That's right niggas, I finally broke down and bought a bed. I actually bought it on Friday before I knew what the car was going to cost me. I got sick of waking up sore on one side of my body. Hopefully my dreams will be better. I know my sex will.

Marvin K. Mooney

Hey folks, what's really good? It is a marvelous Saturday afternoon after my torturous night last night. Maaaan, let me tell you it was a chore.

I had this broad come check me out from home. You might remember her from one of my earlier posts, "Eggy". I didn't invite her, she has family that lives near my place in the boondocks and she asked if she could see me while she was this way. So I said sure, seeing that Batshit is out of the country and my procrastinating ass hasn't touched base with Jayne Kennedy yet. What the fuck could it hurt her to visit.

This broad comes over with a case of "grab dick" and shit. I didn't even want to fuck her, I was just letting her come through to visit. Eggy's grabbing dick and kissing on me and shit. I'm trying to hold her ass off. I was talking to my girl about this: I don't know how a nigga can successfully turn down ass and not look like a homo. Women can always pull their period out their ass. They can even just say they aren't in the mood. Not a nigga. Your dick will be in the streets so fast. Your ass will be lambasted!

So, I fucks her, right? A couple of times. And now it's around midnight. I didn't invite her over and now I'm stuck. I put all my clothes back on and sat watching tv, I'm trying to send signals to her. She puts on her clothes. I'm thinking "Great, this broad will go back to her mother's house." She sits with me trying to hold my hand and shit while we are watching tv. I'm trying not to grimace and shit, but I'm just like "Bitch, leave!" Eggy says "I'm hungry". I remained seated. "Go look in the kitchen and eat whatever you want to." Trying to be as inhospitable as possible. She microwaves this bean and cheese burrito. I'm like "I know this eggheaded broad is not going to eat these beans and believe she's gonna sleep next to me." She eats it and starts getting drowsy. "I'm just going to go to sleep" and she walks up my stairs. What the fuck?!?

A broad invites herself over, takes some dick and I owe her room and fucking board? Is that the way that shit works? If I had asked her to come visit me from Detroit, shit, the sky's the muthafuckin' limit. But I think she went overboard.

This morning she was up before me downstairs singing and shit. Loud. It's Saturday bitch! I get to sleep in! Shut the fuck up. So she's coming back and forth in and out of my room, going in the master bathroom and shit when I got two other fully stocked bathrooms, waking me the fuck up. I finally get up, put on some jogging pants and get on the computer in my office. She's getting dressed, lingering and shit. She walks into my office and is looking at me smiling, scrunching up her nose. Never in my life have I hated a human being as much as I did at that very moment. Eggy, make like Marvin K. Mooney!

Anyway she hesitated, asking me what I had planned for today. I can't use anybody as an excuse. Everyone who knows me knows these things, (1) I don't know anybody here; (2) I hate most people in general, so I wouldn't be making any plans with them if I did know anyone. I said "I gotta big budget meeting on Monday that I have to get ready for, and I gotta watch the Spartans play." She looked disappointed. "Alright, well I guess I'll head out to Barnes and Noble. I'll talk to you later." Yeah, chick, go impose on those two muthafuckas.

She left and I'm happy. She's sadly mistaken if she thinks she'll ever be able to reach me on the telephone, via email, messenger pigeon, semaphore flags, anything ever again. Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split yo' eggheaded ass!

Assholius Maximus,
KZ

This Or That?

S'up niggas! The Bomba Momma has got me down. The Bomba Momma, the Blue Bomba, Bluey, Big Blue, or Big Blue Hunk of Butta are all terms of affection I use for my favorite girl, my 2000 Chevy Tahoe. She is an albatross around my freakin' neck. I can't cut her ass loose. Bad ass credit led to bad ass financing with a high ass monthly payment and skyrocking gas prices haven't helped. To top it all off, the bitch breaks down almost once a week.

I left Detroit and moved to Satan's Anus, MI on July 1. Since I got here, the car has been in the shop 6 times, starting on my very first day here and she's scheduled to go back this week. She breaks mostly on weekends. I hardly know anyone here, so I can't count on rides. Transit is non existent. It's just all fucked up.

The kicker is when I moved I gave most of my furniture away: couch, bed, dresser, bookshelves, etc. I just had my personal effects, gear, 2 TVs, a computer and a futon. I thought once I settled in, I'd buy the shit I need to live comfortably. The Bomba stopped all that shit. Everytime I get paid I think "This is the week I'll buy a bed". Scccccrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrttttttttttt, pump ya breaks, nigga. Your only method to engage civilization is not working. Gotta get her fixed. So since July 1st my grown ass has been sleeping on a futon mattress and sitting in one lone chair in the living room. Three bedrooms, three bathrooms, no fucking bed.

Once again this week the Bomba has not failed in her quest to keep my back fucked up. Somehow the fucking head gasket has blown on the car and it will cost me upwards of $1500. That's the biggest hit yet. I wanna drive this bitch into the river. I swear that car is possessed with the demon spirit of my ex-wife.

I didn't write this shit to hear the fucking "Solution of the Week". Nigga, I'm smarter than you. I thought of what ever you thought of first, and it won't work for me. I'm just venting and shit.

I Still Don't Luv Them Hoes (except for Bluey),
KZ

Exit Strategy

Hey Fellow Munkees, I'm back. You know, I never thought that I'd be updating this thing so regularly, but this "fish outta water" thing is chock full of material for me. In addition, this entry is a Batshit update and y'all luv that crazy shit.

So I'm over Batshit's house, right? She's packing. She'll be out of the country for about 10 days on business, so I'm keeping her company while she's getting ready. I'm washing dishes and shit, putting clothes in the dryer, real domestic shit. Batshit asks me "Is this what married life is like?" I say "Pretty much. It's very tedious, especially if you don't have kids. Y'all just sit around looking at each other and keeping stuff around the house orderly. On weekends, you do home improvement projects. " She asks "Isn't that boring?" I say "Yep. I used to find things for us to get into after work just so we wouldn't be looking at one another all night waiting to go to sleep." Batshit says "Do you think you'll ever get married again?" I say "No. I don't like marriage. The only reason I would ever get married again is to have children. I think kids deserve two live-in parents. I hate marriage."

My last statement galvanized her resolve to get me the fuck out of her life forever. "We can't be together. I know where I stand in your life. I'm just something to do until you meet more women." How astute, you raving loon. The rest of the night she spouted observations about the way we interact and how it's not going to work. I heard about how I'm a heathen, how I'm emotionally detached, how I somehow don't measure up. "You're always fucking me. You don't know how to make love." "I know how to make love to women I love" I thought but dare not speak aloud for fear of a pot of hot grits being prepared. I remained silent, mostly.

We went to bed around 12:30 and of course it was ON. I woke up this morning, dick throbbing but nonetheless, happy. I believe I've been given an out and I think I'll take it. I've got 10 days to see if this Jayne Kennedy thing is the proper way to go. Y'all need to wish me some muthafuckin' luck.

Floss After Every Meal,
KZ

Munkeefood, Part 2: Disdain of Authority Figures

Hey Peoples, this ya boy again, waxing poetic about the things that sustain me. To people that know me this comes as no surprise but I absolutely hate ANY authority figure, across the board. I gives a fuck if you're a coach, a teacher, a supervisor, or an older sibling. Believe me I hates yo' ass. The only authority figure I recognize as a necessity is parent, because heaven knows I don't want responsibility for raising your little bastards. I got this thing honestly though. My old man is the same way. He has always taught me to fight for the underdog. He told me that he organized a protest against the management at Chrysler when he worked there, protesting the unfair demands that they were putting on workers. He was in the management training program at the time! He got fired and that same day he found out my mother was pregnant with me. That my friend is a fucked up coincidence.

I grew up with the strong belief that if you were an authority figure, you either don't know shit or you sold out. Either way I couldn't respect you. Fuck that.

I have constantly worked to undermine and belittle every authority figure in my life. Every job I've had, I've tried to show them up, question all their decisions, find a better way to do things than the way I was asked to do them, and in most cases go over their heads constantly to establish a rapport with their bosses. I get promoted, then I undermine my new boss. The theme is always the same, the emperor is butt-assed nekkid.

I have always managed to develop an almost visceral response to the bullshit management. My body would produce excess bile for me to spew and my mind would produce unending maliciousness to usurp them cats. I would stay awake at night plotting on muthafuckas because I believed that the clueless must be punished. Yeah, that shit is sorta sick.

In my current job, you guessed it muthafuckas, I'm second in command. Only one slot to move up. You'd think this would be pretty easy to manage, right? Only one muthafucka to undermine so I should be able to do that in my sleep. I forgot one thing about being in this position: there are 56 muthafuckin' niggas just like I was, trying to knock me off!

I got another problem. I fuckin' like my boss. This guy is cool than a muthafucka. His style is the complete opposite of mine and it works. He's an anal retentive detail oriented muthafucka, all I see is the fucking forest. I ain't seen a tree in years. This nigga is big government. "What can we do to help?" I'm Mr. "Let them muthafuckas fend for themselves except in cases of extreme distress". He's prudent and I'm a fucking loose cannon. That shit works like a charm.

I still don't like authority figures. When I give orders to staff I even find myself thinking, "Are you just gonna take that? Pussy!"

That's another one of the things that makes me tick.

The Mighty Underdog,
KZ

Jayne Kennedy

Hey slackers, what's crackin'? It's on 1:30 pm and it's already the best day I've ever had here. Because today, I met HER. Let me explain.

I had to do some community outreach type of thing today and speak to grassroots groups as well as other government representatives. That's where I met HER. She was from another gov't entity. Beautiful, tall, THICK IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES, and seems to be interested in a brotha. I swear she is the spitting image of Jayne Kennedy back in her late 70's/early 80's heyday except she has green eyes. I felt like a nigga hit the jackpot. She's smart, seemingly level headed a good replacement for Batshit.

Here's the issue: For the first time ever, I get a couple of phone messages from Batshit this morning, expressing herself. She is very guarded and standoffish most of the time. But on these phone messages, she's expressive as fuck. "I miss you, I can't wait to see you again." You know, shit like that.

Today I felt for the first time that I'd really hurt her fucking feelings if I dipped. Usually I don't care about such shit, but she was really the welcome wagon when I came to this piece of flotsam. So the question is, "Zed, are you going to pursue Jayne Kennedy?" And my answer is "Nigga, haven't you been reading this blog?" The next question would logically be "What are you gonna do with Batshit?" And the answer to that question would be "I'll cross that bridge when I have to stick my dick in it."

Always Climbing Everest,
KZ